15 Questions with Dr. Ruth

Earlier this week, renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer sat down with FM for a little quickie before answering questions for a joint event of the Harvard College Women’s Center and the Seneca. With a slight twinkle in her eye and a quiver in her voice, this 78-year-old dishes on college sex and her career answering questions about orgasms. And to be frank...4’ 7” has never looked sexier!

1. What is the sex question you see most often from college-age advice seekers?

The questions fall into two different categories. One is about relationships—“Is this going to last? What about long distance relationships?” The other is specifically about sex—I get asked very often about premature ejaculation by young people—and then in general questions to which I hope the answers lead to some sexual literacy.

2. You often talk about “sexual literacy”; how would you describe someone who is sexually literate?

Somebody who certainly knows about contraception if they don’t want to be pregnant, who knows about sexually transmitted diseases, and, for both men and women, someone who knows what to do and what to teach their partners to do in order to be sexually satisfied.

3. Do you feel that the prevalence of sex in the media is beneficial for younger people? Can it have negative effects?

I would say that people have to know that the media is exaggerating. “Sex and the City,” which very many young people watch, is very unrealistic. There are not 20 men in New York waiting for young women in order to whisk her away...People have to learn to be realistic and know that the media knows that sex sells.

4. What is the most harmful misconception about sex among the younger crowd?

First of all, that they could have sex without emotions. I don’t believe in that; I’m old-fashioned and a square.

5. You called yourself “old-fashioned” and “square.” Do you think that this may surprise people?

This might be because I talk so openly about orgasms and penises and vaginas, but basically deep down people know already that I believe in relationships and I believe in people not hurting each other.

6. You have a degree in sociology, have executive-produced films, and have forayed into fields of culture and childhood. How has your renown as sex therapist extraordinaire affected your ability to focus on other aspects of sociology?

I first got a psychology degree at the Sorbonne in Paris...When I do films, such as my last film about family life and my next one which is going to be about Bedouin woman, I’m stepping out of my role as sex therapist and doing documentaries as a sociologist of family life.

7. What is something you think would surprise those who only see you as a pre-eminent sex expert?

The first thing that will surprise them is that I was a sniper in the Haganah, before there was an Israeli defense force, and since I’m 4’ 7” they’re certainly surprised that I was a sniper—but I’ve never killed anybody, I was badly wounded.
My husband passed away nine years ago. I was married almost 40 years—I told you I’m old-fashioned and a square. You can underline that.

8. Do you feel that your time training as a sniper for the Haganah in Israel has left a lasting imprint on your life?

Yes. I think because I was an orphan at the age of ten-and-a-half coming out of Nazi Germany, the one thing I’ve learned is you have to stand up and be counted for what you believe in. It certainly fitted into my believing in Israel and that all people in the world have the right to a country.

9. Do you ever get tired of talking about sex?

Not yet; if I would get tired I would talk about something else...I do documentaries and write books such as “Musically Speaking” that have nothing to do with sex.

10. Does your advice vary for different people who have the same problem, based on culture or age?

Absolutely. Sex therapists take what is called a “sexual studies exam” for this. For example, an Orthodox Jewish couple would never engage in sexual activity during menstruation, until seven days after. Sex therapists have to know the attitudes of different cultures and religious backgrounds

11. In your book, “The Art of Arousal,” there is a position named after you. How does one go about getting this honor?

(Laughing) A guy from the Metropolitan Museum and I just decided that the position should be the Dr. Ruth position.

12. There is a new organization on campus, True Love Revolution, which endorses abstinence until marriage. What is your take on organizations like these?

If people come from backgrounds, whether Catholic or Jewish or just because of their values, their beliefs, and their morality, if they say, “We are not going to engage in any sexual activity until marriage,” I say stick to it. But they still must become sexually literate in order to use this information when they are going to be sexually active. I also say nobody should ever be talked into any activity which they don’t want to engage in.

13. Sexuality is often paired with women’s studies in curricula. For example, a concentration at Harvard is “Women, Gender, and Sexuality.” Do you think this is warranted?

Absolutely not. I do believe that sex has to be part of every single curriculum and not just in a particular department. We have the scientifically validated data for all aspects of human sexual functions; we have to teach it.

14. Do you think that sex is taught enough in universities?

Definitely not taught enough. In medical school, in graduate schools, there is no question. We have to teach it number one. But we already see, because of people like you writing about it, and people like me talking about, it there is a change in society. There are less unintended pregnancies and women know that they have to teach the partner what they need in order to be sexually satisfied.

15. How do you think the female attitude toward sex differs from the male attitude?

I don’t think they differ so much. I think most men also want to have a relationship and not sex. I think that it is a bit of a myth...that men only want ‘sex and goodnight’ or ‘sex and goodbye.’