Death Predictions

Students predict whose time is up:

Britney Spears’ career
80% of Harvard students say it will die.
FM Prediction: Agree.

Sorry Britney, you’ve taken it too far. It’s hard to say exactly when you became a trampy has-been…was it the crotch flashing? The baby shaking? The drama with the man who released the genius that was "Popozao"? Whatever. It’s over. Please, baby, do not hit us one more time. Don’t hit Preston anymore either-we kind of think you might be.



Female Presidents:
52% of Harvard students say this trend will die in the womb.
FM Prediction: Undecided.

Women have never fielded more candidates for high office in so many areas of endeavor, but they are still missing the crucial Y chromosome to sway 50% of the voting public. Our hearts go out to these pioneering Amazons, but we are not sure if they will be able to overcome the systems of oppression that hold them down. Come on, they have boobs!



The Core:
64% of Harvard students say it will soon die.
FM Prediction: Disagree.

The Core is actually an immortal demon doppelganger that has long taken the form of one set of requirements, and will soon take the form of another. It has never lived; therefore, it can never die, only shapeshift and suck the souls of Harvard students. Also, it impregnates TF’s with Rosemary’s baby.



Student Social Programming at Harvard:
86% of students say the UC will die.
90% of students say the Harvard College Events Board will die.
FM Prediction: Agree.

Um…this is awkward. We don’t wish to be pessimistic, but Harvard students have a long track record of not being able to identify fun even when its staring them in the face (were we the only ones who had tickets to the Wyclef show?) The only way for student social programming to succeed is if a massive, student-organized concert is successfully carried out. Maybe Prince is free for that too?



Major League Soccer:
74% of Harvard students say this trend won’t reach puberty.
FM Prediction: Agree.

No matter how much money the Los Angeles Galaxy wastes on notoriety, America only has room in its heart for one over-the-hill English dandy, and David Beckham can’t hope to rival the luxurious chest hair of Sir Roger Moore. Besides, Victoria already had her fifteen minutes in North America. Becks, we don’t want to be your lover.



*All results dreived from an FM dining hall poll.