NEW WORKOUT: "45:33"

This week, LCD Soundsystem re-releases last year’s iTunes exclusive “45:33” as an album. The song, which was commissioned by Nike, takes its name from its duration (well, it actually runs 45 minutes and 58 seconds, but who’s counting?); frontman-mastermind James Murphy claimed that its purpose was to “reward and push at good intervals of a run.”

But Murphy’s purported athletic intent turned out to be a lie: He later stated that he never intended the music to accompany any form of exercise. This raises an important question: If not running, then what is “45:33” designed for?

Two Crimson staff writers set out to study this question, conducting exhaustive trials and experiments in the Crimson Arts Music Investigation Laboratory (CAMIL). The following are excerpts from their lab reports.

SCRABBLE

The subjects competed against each other while playing the popular board game and listening to “45:33.”

Ruben L. Davis: At track time 17:13, made the word “Quetzals,” earning an astounding 374 points in one turn. Collapsed thereafter.

Andrew F. Nunnelly: Highest scoring words: “Weeds,” “Rack.” Achieved an embarrassing final score of 36 points, turned over the board in rage, and found solace in online social networking Web sites.

SPEED-READING OF “TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE”

During a competitive speed-reading of Mitch Albom’s best-selling non-fiction masterpiece, “45:33” had startlingly different effects on the test subjects.

AFN: Finished book with astounding speed. Even had time to write a response paper on it. Received check minus on said paper. Hypothesis: “45:33” severely affects reading comprehension.

RLD: Cried during the sad chapters. Also danced furiously during the sad chapters. The combination of sweat and tears made paperback copy unreadable. Result: LOSER.

WATERYOUDOING?

The lab subjects played an old summer camp game, “Wateryoudoing?,” in which the titular question is asked and the response is always, “Drinking water.” Copious amounts of water are then consumed.

RLD: After nearly three gallons of water in under 50 minutes, Davis again began to sweat profusely and suffered from a mild case of overactive bladder syndrome.

AFN: Diagnosed with acute hyponatremia, a condition marked by electrolyte imbalances, priapism, and low blood sodium levels. Briefly hospitalized.

ANALYSIS OF RESULTS

After AFN’s stint in Mount Auburn Hospital, the study was aborted. Planned but unperformed experiments included playing “45:33” while engaging in underwater combat, dining in fine restaurants, and chopping vegetables for a winter stew.

Post-study interviews resulted in similar statements from both test subjects, who noted that despite the track’s length, the music sounded like “nothing.” When asked to best describe the feelings conveyed by “45:33,” one subject noted, “It sounds like if Steven Seagal and John Williams had a child, and if that child was then made music supervisor for a remake of the 1998 film ‘54.’” Another subject likened the music to his first time having sex: off-beat, irrhythmic, leads to disappointment.

The study’s ultimate conclusion: “45:33” lacks structure and is arguably Murphy’s most unfocused, jitter-inducing work to date.

CAMIL officials estimate that approximately nine female Wesleyan students have mounted and rode school elliptical machines to the tune of “45:33” in the time it takes to read this article. The Crimson can only hope that they’re all okay.

—Staff reviewer Ruben L. Davis can be reached at rldavis@fas.harvard.edu. —Staff reviewer Andrew F. Nunnelly can be reached at nunnelly@fas.harvard.edu.