15 Parties We Can Have
The Undergraduate Council can no longer fund alcohol with its Party Grants, but that doesn’t mean the party has to stop! Fifteen Minutes is here with fifteen parties you can throw with your party grant this week, as well as the items for which you should submit receipts.
1) Heaven’s Gate Bros and Branch Davidian Hos: Get reimbursed for Kool-aid, purple squares of silk, and arsenic.
2) The White Party: You can’t fund the entire thing, but the UC will pay for small compact mirrors, razor blades, dollar bills, and your dues for the Hasty Pudding Club.
3) I Want to F*ck you Like an Animal: Receipts for: Nine Inch Nails CD, pony rental, sheep rental, tarp rental.
4) Through the Fire: If we can’t drink, we’ve got to amuse ourselves somehow! Kerosene and matches, straight up, let’s get it on.
5) Clue!: Iron pipe, noose, candlestick, old-school revolver, color-coded costumes, etc. Make sure you get a receipt from the guy you pay to remove the corpse, though! That was Col. Mustard’s mistake.
6) Cock and Balls: Is there anything funnier than a rooster playing basketball? What, you thought we...oh come on, man, how fucked up is you?
7) 24 Hour Lamont Party, Part II: With extra funds, maybe the UC can get enough burritos this time.
8) Risky Business: $100 will get you an Oxford shirt, dark sunglasses, a call girl and an intriguing adventure.
9) Funny Business: But $200, a Super Party Grant, will you allow you to upgrade from call girl to clown-whore. There’s no downside to this thing right here.
10) Monkey Business: You might need to string a few grants together for this one...
11) Authentic Toga Party: Those grants will buy you a lot of bedsheets, grapes, Roman laurels, and at least two nubile slave girls from the tribes along the R. Volga.
12) Bootlegger’s Bonanza: Making alcohol as a social activity! Use the cash to purchase all the necessary ingredients to make your own moonshine in your classy Harvard bathtub.
13) Friar’s Club Roast: Hire celebrity impersonators to roast you and your friends in your common room. $100 doesn’t stretch too far, so instead of a Dane Cook impersonator, you might have to actually put up with Dane Cook.
14) Naked Party: It’ll take the consumption of about ten bottles of UC-funded, over-the-counter cough medicine before a naked party with Harvard kids seems like a good idea.
15) Make it Rain: Get your money in dollar bills, and throw them up to make it rain! Alternatively, pay someone to seed the clouds and make it rain on YardFest again. Take that, College sponsored fun!