God Bless America

We pen this editorial in salute to Representative Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.), a true patriot. In this perilous time, in a nation that is threatening to be overtaken by pusillanimous pinkoes, it takes a special sort of man to defend the idea that freedom is a privilege, not a right.

That’s why we lend our wholehearted support to a bill Hunter has recently introduced to the House, the “Restoring Patriotism to America’s Campuses Act.” The bill would cut all funding from Columbia University in retaliation for its dastardly decision to to roll out the red carpet for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran and a known Islamo-fascist. In forgetting the primary duty of every American university—to propagate only discourse that is pleasing to all American citizens—Columbia grievously sinned, and must suffer the consequences.

We further urge the Representative to bring those same big guns to bear on our own campus. It is no secret that Harvard is overrun with communists, hippies, sexual deviants, and Jeffersonian liberals; until the University ceases to tolerate their existence, Harvard shouldn’t receive a red cent from American taxpayers.

Once passed—and we are sure that a bill so nobly conceived and devoid of partisan motivation will pass—Harvard could take several steps to regain its funding. The installation of large American flags on all University buildings, cars, trees, personnel, students, and existing American flags would make a good start. Rumors that the College red phones were removed to make way for red-white-and-blue phones are heartening, and we hope they are true.

It goes without saying that all international students would have to be expelled immediately. We cannot risk their internationalist ideas polluting the wellspring of pure American patriotism.

Next, the “ethnic” foods in the dining hall must be done away with, as they force our students to interact with lesser countries neglecting their own great heritage. French pastries should be replaced with Boston cream cake, Thai spiced chicken with Memphis spiced chicken, and skim milk with whole milk, all in an effort to cut down on un-American influences.

In addition, all cultural groups would add “-American” to their name. Thus, the Chinese Students Association would become the Chinese-American Students Association, and the Italian-American Society would become the Italian-American-American Society. Obviously, all political organizations would be replaced with a “Go America! Pep Squad.”

Finally, we would also like to call attention to Representative Hunter’s proposal to turn California’s Santa Rosa Island into a hunting preserve for disabled veterans. Harvard should do him one better. Massachusetts Hall should sacrifice plans for a new Allston campus and rededicate Harvard’s Allston property to this higher purpose.

After these reforms, we will once again live up to our motto, “Veritas.” We’re pretty sure that translates to something about how freaking awesome America is.