I'm Sorry If You Saw These Flops

“Plain and simple, when I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence.” Perhaps Hollywood should take a couple notes from Ricky Bobby; his crude ballad pinpoints just what the film industry has been lacking—excellence. In fact, the big studios have been giving us just about everything but excellence. “Snakes on a Plane,” anyone?

Despite slightly better box office results this summer compared to last, movieland is still shaky territory. With quick big-screen-to-DVD turnaround, in-home theater options and technologies—On Demand got me through three grueling summer months in the Colorado suburbs—and higher-than-average ticket prices, Americans have fewer reasons than ever before to jump in the old sedan and gawk at the silver screen.

The complete and utter lack of quality films adds, just a wee bit, to this slump. “Sitting in the darkness/What a world to see!/Let’s go to the movies/Annie, wait and see.” Let’s go to the movies? Hm…I’d rather catch-up on “Dancing with the Stars” than watch an unabashedly bland Keanu Reeves try desperately to communicate with a woman from another time…through a mailbox. It seems that instead of attempting to reinvigorate the age-old pastime of movie-going, the big studios are simply making a slew of mediocre movies to fill the void left by quality films such as “A Beautiful Mind” and “The Sixth Sense” (M. Night, where oh where has your genius gone?). I would even watch “Titanic” over this summer’s tragically mind-numbing “Poseidon” remake.

But perhaps we just have to be patient.

Summer 2005 was a horrible season for film: countless, poorly-written remakes including “Bewitched” and “Herbie: Fully Loaded,” the un-anticipated role of Jane Fonda opposite J.Lo in “Monster-In-Law,” Jamie Foxx’s odd post-Oscar choice “Stealth,” and the Paris Hilton vehicle “House of Wax.” Don’t get me wrong, all this dredge lined the way for the notable successes of “Star Wars: Episode III-Revenge of the Sith” and the Best Picture winner, “Crash.” And who can really say they didn’t secretly enjoy watching Angelina Jolie lay waste to Brad Pitt in the popcorn-flick “Mr. & Mrs. Smith?” Still, overall, 2005 wasn’t a banner year for cinema.

But in summer 2006, the industry has managed somehow to pick itself up and catch moviegoers’ attention. About 3% more people hauled themselves to the theaters this summer, and, ticket sales went up about 6% the first week of summer compared to summer 2005’s first week. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” drew in almost $4 billion, despite its exasperating length and tiresome nonstop action sequences. Meanwhile, “Superman Returns” lured the Clark Kent-obsessed out of their mother’s basements while “The Devil Wears Prada” attracted a solid audience and featured the impressive acting chops of Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway.

That still leaves “Snakes on a Plane,” “The Ant Bully,” and “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties” as surprise summer duds. Well…it’s not so surprising that “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties” failed—let’s be “real” real: a film starring an ex-“Party of Five-er,” that short guy from “Road Trip,” and an animated orange cat? C’mon.

But “Snakes on a Plane” was an internet hit and “The Ant Bully” was, after all, one of those feel-good, CGI family flicks. Unfortunately for Samuel L. Jackson, the young adult male demographic seemed to enjoy spoofing “Snakes on a Plane” more than actually paying to see it. And “The Ant Bully” was deemed a poor man’s “Cars,” disappearing under the flood of CGI-flicks that hit the big screen at the end of the summer.

Despite these flops and mediocre blockbusters like “Pirates,” Hollywood managed to produce a few real gems this summer. Steve Carell’s indie-comedy “Little Miss Sunshine” combined smart screenwriting with a sharp cast. Even Al Gore succeeded, for once—his poignant, “An Inconvenient Truth,” broadcasted the details of the global warming issue to thousands who may not subscribe to Scientific American.

So yes, this was a better summer for movies. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this fall will offer some truly delectable fare. Martin Scorcese’s “The Departed” boasts the skills of Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio while Emilio Estevez’s—who knew the Mighty Duck man himself was still around?—“Bobby,” an account of how RFK’s assassination affected various people’s lives, features just about every talented yet struggling actor in L.A.

Personally, I’m waiting for the “WARNING: May Cause Toe-Tapping”-CGI-penguin feature, “Happy Feet.” Then again, I’ll take anything I can get to forget Al Gore’s oh-so-awkward stint at this summer’s MTV Video Music Awards. I’m afraid the terms “Al Gore” and “bringing sexy back” might just be enough to sabotage “An Inconvenient Truth’s” credibility.

—Staff writer Erin A. May can be reached at emay@fas.harvard.edu.