A Narrow Proposition

It is no secret that a vigorous social life can cut into a student’s academic performance. Scholars who spend their nights raucously reveling with members of the opposite sex (or, for that matter, the same sex) will not perform as well in the classroom the next morning. Instead they will find themselves (at 11 a.m. the following day) busy navigating the politics of evicting a semi-drunk stranger from their bed. Escaping from this brand of moral depravity has been historically challenging. Upon our return to school, however, a different perspective shed new light on an old problem: what if that stranger didn’t fit on the bed in the first place?

In an innovative move, Currier House decided to give its collective GPA a boost by narrowing the mattresses of its residents. Sure, the new mattresses are only an inch-and-a-half narrower, but it’s an important inch-and-a-half. We applaud Currier for taking this initiative and salvaging the academic potential of its students (although it may be too late for the Class of 2007). Currier’s unfortunate plethora of singles has allowed students to enjoy each other’s company without their blockmates or roommates being the wiser. No rubber bands on the doorknob. No midnight exiles. No morning shaming. Currier had previously been free of all the natural built-in deterrents that make students stop, think, and just say “No, I will not turn my room into a den of immorality.”

But now, thanks to the generous purchase of the cushy one-body-only-please mattresses—subsidized with funding from Currier’s summer tenant, the Graduate School of Education—Currier students have an opportunity to finally break free from the suffocating lasciviousness that previously defined them. With narrower mattresses, Currier can stand as an equal with such greats as Dunster, Winthrop, and Lowell, whose residents maintain celibacy by sleeping in wobbly bunk beds wedged into walk-through triples. If the river houses hope to maintain their scholarly edge over the formerly unbridled Currierites, they will need to invest in their own spoon-free mattresses. In the meantime, Currier residents must keep in mind: it’s not 33.5 inches thin, its 33.5 inches of discipline and academic promise.