It Should Be a Crime to Be This Bad...

What price can be put on a man’s dignity? For Evan R. Johnson ’06, the answer is a cool $16.

That was the winning bid made by a group of Currier House seniors at their HoCo’s Dutch auction fundraiser. They shelled out the big bucks for a customized piece of Undergraduate Council legislation, sponsored by Currier UC Rep Carmelo C. Tringali ’08.

The seniors seized on their opportunity to increase awareness about what Johnson, who is a former publisher of Fifteen Minutes, calls “basically an inside joke.” But in an e-mail to FM, winning bidder Andrew M. Mugica ’06 refers to the “joke” more bluntly, as “Evan’s futile, elbowy brand of lovemaking.”

Tringali spruced up the seniors’ first draft with some parliamentary mumbo-jumbo about furthering Currier HoCo’s fundraising efforts, but the heart of the bill shone through: “Whereas Evan R. Johnson (Dunster ’06) has repeatedly failed to satisfy women of all sizes, ethnicities, ages, races, religions and sexual preferences.”

Johnson took the defensive when questioned about the veracity of the bill. “They are trying to make up for their own inability to satisfy women,” he says, “and are picking on someone who, frankly, has outperformed them left and right in every venue imaginable, including the bedroom.”

But another of the bill’s drafters, Robert M. Koenig ’06, counters in an email that Johnson “deserves no...sympathy with regard to lovemaking.”

Koenig claims that Johnson’s approach to physical relationships follows four distinct stages: “Empty Promises, Over-Dramatized Thrusting, Inevitable Failure, and Shameless Apologizing.”

In the parliamentary wrangling that followed, Tringali says that the bill came to a 50-50 vote in the Campus Life Committee meeting before the CLC chair stepped in and dashed the Currier seniors’ attempt to spread the word about Johnson’s deficiencies.

For his part, Johnson says he knows that “the public at large knows the truth”—that he really is Fonzi, Fabio, and Freaknasty in the sack.

No females knew enough about Johnson to comment for this story.