‘An Orgy of Chachery. . .’
Between Eleganza, “the FM Freshman 15,” and last week’s Bell Lap application, it’s an exciting time of year for miserable Harvard students who like to celebrate their own false sense of worth on this campus through acts of public narcissism. Meanwhile, pre-frosh weekend offered us a sneak preview of the next generation of jokers who will help make this place terrible for four more years. With so much inexcusable behavior to choose from, we decided to provide a quick round-up of “The Most Miserable Week of the Year”:
Eleganza
This past weekend, hordes of chaunces handed over actual currency to see other kids they go to school with walk around a hockey arena wearing some clothes. Instead of popping into a Dinosaurs lecture where they could see all these idiots looking terrible for free, they decided to pay to see them looking slightly better and grinding with each other in some sort of massive orgy of chachery. The real nail in the coffin (if only it were a real coffin!) is that by coinciding with pre-frosh weekend, Eleganza inculcates the next generation with the notion that people will like them if they dress like they’re going clubbing in Berlin.
Truth be told, we’ve never even bothered to see the show. Schonberger almost went sophomore year, but instead he got extremely blackout, got kicked out of the Busta Rhymes concert for being belligerent, and then attempted to enter the Business School to see another fictional concert that he had invented in his mind. But honestly, do we really need to see it? Do you really need to masturbate into a condom to know that it’s depressing? Well, actually, you do, but you get our point.
Freshman 15
The Freshman 15 foolishly co-opts the fatal flaw of the Miss America Pageant by pretending that there is more to hotness than superficial physical judgments. Oh, I run a PBHA program! Oh, I have “style”! Oh, I’m “ethnic” and only chosen because the white FM editors see me as a novelty! Could you please just pick the 15 freshmen girls under 120 pounds and rank them according to boob size? Is that so hard?
We asked FM if we could have a “Top 15” spread of our own, but unfortunately, common decency wouldn’t allow it. Here are some of our rejected ideas: “15 Ugliest Kids at Harvard.” “15 Seniors You Should Know (So that You Can Avoid Them at All Costs).” “15 Girls We’ve Hooked Up With (some count twice!?!)” “15 Things to Keep in a Fanny Pack.” “Top 15 Deucing Positions.” “15 Best Bell Lap Articles (some count twice!?!)”
Pre-Frosh Weekend
Although juicing high school seniors is probably still legal by the letter of the law, this year we felt slightly wrong about hosting a group of acne-faced high school guys and telling them that we would only provide them with alcohol or not excrete feces upon them when they were sleeping if they successfully brought back a gaggle of D.T.B. pre-frosh girls. Failing this, the only interaction we can report is when Catizone saw a bright-eyed pre-frosh taking notes in one of his early morning classes. Pre-Frosh: “Do you like it here?” Catizone: “No, I don’t. No one wants you to come, either.”
Senior Bar
This week’s premier Senior Bar event is the “Roller Disco” at Chez Vouz. We were pretty excited about going, but then we woke up from our dream and realized that Nick Cannon will not be renting out the skates, and Bow Wow and T.I. will not be having a Roll Bounce vs. ATL dance-off. Instead, a bunch of window shoppers on wheels will be careening around recklessly singing “Lady Marmalade”—“Vou-CHEZ VOUZ coucher avec CHACH, ce soir!”
And free Ice Cream Day at Ben & Jerry’s: After you wait a combined two hours to get your free scoop and your free coffee at Pete’s, maybe you’ll have saved enough cash to buy a slice of pizza, you fat, grubby mutherfucker!
Bell Lap Application: Remember, we are open to all applicants. The deadline is Friday, April 28.