DEAR MOLLY: Rumaging Roommate

Dear Molly,

My roommate keeps borrowing my stuff without asking. At first it was just movies and books, but I saw her wearing one of my shirts out last weekend before I had even worn it. I also think she may have taken money off of my desk. Suggestions?

—Annoyed in Adams



Dear Annoyed,

Do you like this roommate, independent of her possible kleptomania? If you do like her and would like to live with her in the future, feel free to skip down to the third paragraph. If her lax definition of “borrowing” is the last straw, read on:

If you are no longer interested in living with her, consider taking a cue from Joey on “Friends” by giving her a pseudo-dose of her own medicine. While she is out, put on every piece of her clothing that you can find, and when she returns, immediately begin doing lunges, while explaining that this is your not-so-subtle demand that she stop borrowing your stuff. Letting her know that you are currently going commando might drive the point in more clearly.

If you are not comfortable with such a friendship-ending action, talk to her. She may not be aware that you feel uncomfortable with her borrowing habits. She also may be aware, but it may have slipped her mind, so a friendly reminder (that does not involve copious amounts of clothing and exercise) could be the perfect remedy.

Roommates share an array of important items: hand soap, illegal coffee makers, and broken futons, to name a few. But not everything that passes the threshold of your suite is automatically common property. Did you ever say that you would share all of your possessions simply because you live together? “My house is your house,” is a great sentiment, but that doesn’t mean “my underwear is your underwear.”

Think back to your own roommate habits. Is there any way that you set the precedent by not asking to borrow things? In other words, is she just following your lead because you once borrowed her favorite sweater without permission? You and your roommate need to set some clear, mutually agreed upon ground rules for borrowing each other’s property. For instance, explain that you will ask to borrow her stuff from now on, too, so as to not put her on the defensive and to illustrate that these are equally beneficial, and not just your dictates.

Regarding the missing money, be completely sure that it is missing and not just under that pile of clothes or unread syllabi or cold pack from UHS or newspaper clippings from home about your father’s band, “Mid-Life Crisis.” Underneath the clutter lies some type of flooring and potentially your lost money.

Money is an extremely touchy subject and accusing someone of taking it is very uncomfortable for all involved. If you really have looked everywhere and are sure you did not spend it, realize that when you bring it up, your roommate will probably be offended and will deny taking your money.

This does not mean you should skirt the issue, however. You should not have to be a convenient (and ignorant) ATM available to your roommate. Speak tactfully and calmly, but be very clear about how this action makes you feel: taken advantage of and hurt. You may not get your money back, but the awkwardness of the whole situation will most likely lead to the cessation of her borrowing escapades.

If all else fails, leave this article out discreetly.

Locking my door over spring break,

Molly