Hiding in the Conservative Closet

It starts out slowly but then picks up speed. First, it’s just a few references to the Daily Show’s latest mockery of the President. Next, it’s the indictment of Fox News as the most biased news source in the history of the universe. And suddenly, the person across from you is asserting the self-evident “truth” that Ann Coulter is single-handedly ruining the standards of American discourse. That’s when you realize: You’ve been had by the liberal assumption.

The liberal assumption is that friendly tone and conspiratorial wink that lets you know the other person is in on the joke (and she thinks you are too). You know, the joke—the fact that all smart people are liberal.

Phase one is the setup and begins with a few gibes at our nation’s leader. If you take for granted that all conservatives are idiots (which you do), then what better example than the President? Have you somehow missed his verbal blunders or the fact that he was a C student? It’s not like he was the CEO of a corporation, or the governor of one of the largest states in the nation. Proposed response to phase one: smile and nod. Come on, you don’t want to give yourself away as an idiot, do you?

Phase two, the execution of the assumption, is when we really get to the heart of the matter. Now that the assumer has already ensured that you are, in fact, intelligent, she can proceed to more challenging positions. Tip off number two: nostalgic references to the tragedy of the stolen presidency, usually accompanied by “the sad eyes.”

Not only did George W. Bush use his brother’s position as governor of Florida to steal the 2000 election (rightfully won by Al Gore), but he then had the audacity to beat John Kerry and John Edwards. The mention of their defeat is usually when “the sad eyes” emerge—that look that fills you with the hopelessness of a Kerry-Edwards-less executive branch. Proposed response to phase two: stay still.

Phase three is the climax, when the assumer reveals her ultimate disgust for the President and his cohorts (a.k.a. conservatives). Tip offs during this final phase are almost unlimited and include references to the Patriot Act, Guantanamo Bay, Laura Bush, and library books.

Proposed response to phase three: chime in (ironically) that you can’t believe that this maniacal, lying, murdering President, who is ruining America’s legacy abroad, has yet to be impeached. Finish with a nod to the trials and tribulations of being a liberal in today’s society. Your irony will undoubtedly be lost on the assumer, but at least you’ll get a laugh out of the experience.

After the fever-pitch intensity of this “discussion,” you might feel overwhelmed. As time passes, and you’re able to understand what’s just taken place, you will start to feel annoyed and angry. But don’t worry. You’re at Harvard—your intelligence has already been validated. It’s only a matter of time before you see the light, and before you, too, become a liberal.

And hopefully by then, Hillary will be President.



Vanessa J. Dube ’10, a Crimson editorial comper, lives in Wigglesworth Hall.