The Blue Plague

It is a shame that in the United States of America today there still exists a segment of society that, due to historical inequalities, suffers from preventable disease. Many people are shocked to learn that there are still 128,260 people in the world today who are going or have gone to Yale. Although you may ask yourself, “Wait, I thought that was eradicated, like smallpox?” the sad truth is, no, the disease commonly known as “Yale” still haunts us today. In fact, it is estimated that next year 1,300 other people will contract Yale even though they could make lifestyle choices now to prevent this misadventure.

Why does Yale still endure after three centuries of attempts to rid humanity of this pestilence? The answer is undoubtedly linked to the fact that the primary “Yale colony” continues to spawn in New Haven. Every year many bright young adults who could better their life situation end up spiraling down into the gutters of society. Why does this tragedy occur? Perhaps some believe that since their parents and their parents’ parents suffered from Yale, they can’t hope to break the cycle. Some are probably scared that if they don’t go to Yale, they will end up at some wilderness academy in central New Jersey. Some undoubtedly never intended to go to Yale but during high school recklessly experimented with strong opiates. Some are the result of their communities’ failure not to teach the consequences of Yale from an early age.

For 122 years, Harvard has led the fight against Yale. By biannually hosting one of the largest conferences that matches “Yalies” with the brightest minds in the world, Harvard has shown its commitment to developing, once and for all, a cure for Yale. To foster a feeling that the world accepts Yalies despite their condition, Harvard always houses sufferers with successful Harvard undergraduates. There’s a game of American football to show that, although Yale has absolutely crippled any athletic promise they once had, Yalies can still enjoy having a bit of exercise. There is nothing as touching as seeing the blue crowd cheer after the Yale football team scores a touchdown; it’s almost like they don’t realize the Harvard team isn’t trying.

Unfortunately, this gathering is only biannual. Every off-year Harvard sends a group of students into the heart of the Yale colony for a mission of hope, but nothing is being done to try to rout out Yale at its roots. It must be understood that Yale is a socially transmitted disease, and the only way to cure it is to cultivate a change in social behavior. It is disheartening and sickening that today in America some children are still being taught that going to Yale is a good thing. Decades of empirical data have revealed this idea for what it is: a damaging, destructive lie. As the enlightened, it is our sacred duty to debunk this myth wherever it occurs. Do not ignore those who spew this falsehood, but confront them with the truth—not their version of the truth warped by false lux but true veritas. A child’s future is at stake. Education is the best vaccination.

Yale isn’t a good school. Yale isn’t even a school; it’s a disease. Although it is tempting, we must not consider people living with Yale as “freaks” or as having brought it upon themselves. Instead, we need to see them for what they really are: victims. It’s a disease, and there is no shame in fighting it. If you or a loved one are trying to fight the Yale personally, there is help. The good people at Harvard’s Office of Undergraduate Admissions (617-495-1551) are available Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Take this weekend’s biannual conference seriously. Together we can make Yale only a dark blue stain on our memory.