15 Ways to Sneak Alcohol into the Harvard-Yale Game

1) Make a lifelike Benedict H. Gross ’71 mask. The Dean of the College is allowed to drink wherever the hell he wants.

2) Disguise shots of vodka as vials of crack. Then when the cops are like, “woah, you have vials of crack,” they’ll be so relieved it’s only booze they won’t care any more.

3) Make a lifelike James B. Conant ’13 mask. The reanimated corpse of the President of Harvard University is allowed to drink wherever the hell he wants.

4) In your tummy!

5) HUPD isn’t going to do a full body-cavity search, right? There’s your answer.

6) Bury your booze in one of the many, many tailgate spaces that no Yalies wanted to fill.

7) Replace the team’s Gatorade in the team’s cooler with Southern Comfort. Disguise yourself as Coach Murphy and lead the Crimson to victory. Wait to get doused.

8) Cook a pig at the tailgate. A pig marinated in gin.

9) Bake hotel-sized bottles of alcohol into an apple-pie. No one will search that—unless they hate America.

10) You know how some cultures have rain dances? I bet they have wine dances as well.

11) Don’t strap a flask to your thigh—strap a flask to your hand. It’s the last place they’ll look!

12) Make a lifelike Jeremy R. Knowles mask. The Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences isn’t allowed to drink wherever the hell he wants, but he is allowed to drink at the tailgate.

13) Wrap your booze in a copy of the Indy. No one will touch it.

14) Get a car than runs on ethanol. Drive it onto Ohiri Field and spice up a bottle of Fresca with the contents of the gas tank.

15) Ask Aleksey Vayner: Impossible is Nothing.