Ankles Are Not That Sexy, Folks

One day, long before I came to college or was forced to speak in complete sentences, I was talking to a friend while drinking a full-fat frappacino at Starbucks.

“God,” I said, “The early 90s were so wack! Meg Ryan must have been out of her mind when she wore those weird ankle boots in ‘French Kiss.’ She looks so incredibly dumb and lame!”

“I agree,” said my friend. “ Ankle boots are so bizarre, one would have to have an undulating brain hemorrhage to find them even remotely excusable.”

“So true,” I replied. “That’s one item of clothing which I know is never coming back!”

And then we laughed like hyenas.

I am using this example, not to illustrate the demerits of the educational system in Rhode Island, but instead to describe how utterly bewildered I am by the ankle boot phenomenon.

I actually can’t wrap my small, pea-like brain around them. When ankle boots showed up at fashion shows, I figured that they were one of those ironic things—like assless chaps—that appear in a sardonic, only-Prince-would-ever-wear-them-out-of-the-house way.

When the Olsen twins started wearing ankle boots, I suspected that Mary-Kate and Ashley were nursing crack pipes, and laughed at their misfortune. When Lindsay Lohan started wearing them, however, I knew ankle boots had moved into the popular consciousness.

I was frightened and consigned myself to my room so that I could silently reflect on them, cry, and make Gregorian chants. Then I purchased a pair the next day.

Do I hate myself for this moment of sartorial weakness? Do I feel that it displays my mercurial and capricious nature, willing to give up my principles on a moment’s notice, yet unable to individuate myself from the consumerist herd?

Yes and Yes. But I already knew I was like that.

Anyway, this time around, ankle boots are much more tolerable, and more like a significantly sturdier high-heel. They are generally being shown with skirts as opposed to pants. If they are shown with pants, the pants must be skinny and tuck into the boots themselves.

Kate Moss is excellent at wearing ankle boots tucked into pants. I have always admitted she is a very talented woman.

Unfortunately, however, this is another trend where a raging vitamin deficiency or having the thighs of a four-year-old are necessary for showing off your style.

If one is desperate to sport this footwear and is of vitamin-filled size, the best way to pull off (or pull on, as it were) ankle boots is to wear them with opaque tights. This keeps the line of the leg uninterrupted and makes it less weird that you are wearing what is basically a black leather bootie with a high heel.

The ankle boot has not really caught on at Harvard, as we are constantly behind on every trend, but I’m sure they will eventually filter into our collective aesthetic, in geekier and less elegant forms. In order to handle this contingency, I offer you:



THREE ANKLE-HIGH TIPS

1) Do not pretend that you are not wearing ankle boots by covering them up with jeans. Not only does this completely defeat the purpose of ankle boots but it also makes you look like Axl Rose when he tried to sport cornrows. It is that bad of an idea.

2) Wear your ankle boots with leggings. Then go on a Venetian gondola and get molested by a tiger.

3) Do not wear ankle boots with colored tights, as you will look like a horrible, demonic elf.

—Staff columnist Rebecca M. Harrington can be reached by e-mail at harring@fas.harvard.edu.