The State of the Square

Erotic massages. Talk of a “Team Zebra.” Someone named “Flat Patty.” A striking explosion of banks. The closing of WordsWorth Books and impending shutdown of Brattle Theatre. Today, Harvard Square is quickly deteriorating into a den of vice, exotic livestock, and easy credit, a.k.a., New Haven. It’s long past time for some unserious reflection.

Look, for example, to the charges brought against About Hair, a shady Arrow Street salon accused of providing prostitution services to students and other local residents (a sign in the front window of the establishment displayed a sign for “Student Discounts”). We were appalled to find out that About Hair is accused of being a house of ill-repute. But we were even more appalled that the place got busted before we could complete our own in-depth investigation.

Lucky for us, there is this chick named Flat Patty who apparently lives over by Felipe’s. Unluckily, she’s a bit of a prude. But while a “Russian ending” (allegedly one of About Hair’s “specialties”) may be out of the question with her, burgers can be sexy. See Carl Jr.’s ads with Paris Hilton. On second thought, don’t.

In wholly unrelated news, a team of Harvard students tried to bring two zebras to the Square a couple of months ago. (The group came to believe later that this ill-fated scheme somehow entitled them to opinine on the Undergraduate Council elections.) Some commented that the zebras were being gathered as part of an effort to build an arc for the second coming of Noah’s flood. But being the dedicated researchers we are, we noticed it has only rained about three and a half inches over the last month. Thus, no flood is coming, or God just doesn’t have his A-game anymore.

But if this has not convinced you that Harvard Square is falling to pieces, we give you exhibit A, the return of the talking Sovereign Bank video screen. We thought some praiseworthy Robin Hood had stuck one to corporate America, breaking the screen for good, but, unfortunately, the video screen is like a cockroach in a Dunster bathroom. It just keeps coming back. For those living under a rock—why haven’t you thrown that rock through the video display—the bank has virtually imprisoned a multi-ethnic band of salespeople behind a pane of glass at its new Square branch. These hawkers rotate regularly, shouting at passersby at all hours of the day and night. Perhaps Sovereign thinks if it scares the people walking in front of the deserted bank at night, people will fear muggings and put more money in banks. More likely, some homeless Square dweller—angry these loquacious bourgeois continue to exhort him (ironically) to open a money market account—will again throw a brick through the screen, ending our collective suffering. For do-it-yourselfers, we would like to point out that there are several loose bricks by Adams G-entryway. (Our lawyers require us to state here that we would never ever condone criminal actions.)

With the myriad openings and closings of businesses in Harvard Square, the environment just outside the borders of our College is becoming a whole lot less distinctive. WordsWorth, a bookstore the Boston Herald noted had “introduced generations of high schoolers to the illicit pleasures of Henry Miller, William Burroughs and Anais Nin,” closed last year. The Brattle Theatre might be gone too, assuming its drive to raise $400,000 by February fails. Without the Brattle, where are all the art snobs going to hook up? And what does it say about the state of local businesses in the Square when the only 24-hour food joint is the nationally ubiquitous 7-Eleven?

The Square is in serious disrepair. Harvard Square used to be a place where young hipsters could purusee Howl while a wannabe Dylan jammed at a café. Now, it’s starting to resemble a New Jersey mall. Overpriced Adidas clothing can be found anywhere; a movie theater willing to show a double feature of Rushmore and the Royal Tenenbaums cannot. The fun is being drained from the Square, and if there is anything Harvard students need help with, it’s having fun. If things don’t shape up quickly, Harvard Square will soon be host to more bad ideas than the Justice blog. It’ll have a whole lot more zebras too.