THE BELL LAP: Not Unpacked?

As we enter our senior year, we can’t help but feel like Pre’s lifeless corpse in the back of that hearse. Like Pre in Munich, we came to win, but it turned out that we just weren’t that cool or handsome. However, we now have a column in FM, so maybe chicks will dig that.

We’re Chris and Chris. Our weekly musings will be sort of like an episode of “Pete and Pete,” only much less interesting.

Unfortunately, upon our return to campus, we tried to reenact the “Pete and Pete,” episode entitled “Nightcrawlers” by staying up for seven nights straight. Unlike Pete and Pete, this was not a protest against “bedtime” but rather an exercise in aggressive drinking. Good thing we wrote this Back to School guide in August.

Hakuna matata, you sick d-bags.

In third grade there was this kid named Cornelius who moved to a Connecticut private school from D.C. He had a sick scar on his face from a riding his bike off a wall. Girls were all like, “Wow, Cornelius, your five-subject binder is enormous, will you juice me?” and Cornelius had to put them on pause like, “I’m too young for sex. I’m gonna go play Sega, holler at me when your boobs sprout.”

Point being, Cornelius was the man. As the years pass we must add to his teachings to remain “with the times.”[1]

BTS GAME

No one really cares what you did over the summer, so plan a succinct summary of your activities. This should ideally be about 20 to 40 words. (If you went abroad last semester, 20 will suffice.) For example, you might say, “I spent most of the time saving Africans and working on my Haki Sack game. Did you see the Entourage finale?” Something like that will really cover all the bases. Ideally you would follow this up by removing a crocheted sack from your pocket and performing a “Double Around the World.”

BTS GEAR

Nothing says Back To School like some hot-ass gear. Most people come back to school looking like Page 5 from the J. Crew catalog. Wait ’til you’re 40, player. For seniors, this might be the last time in our lives when the words “Back To School” will really mean anything. Depending on your career aspirations, this may be the last year when rocking a new Boomer Esiason throwback and some boxfresh Air Force 1s can still be considered a power move.[2] And if that doesn’t scare you, it should.

BTS INTERIOR DESIGN

Putting together a sick common room early in the year can really up your stock in the game. A poster of Larry Bird, a couple video game consoles, and maybe something “out there” like some jack o’ lanterns are all good starting points.

However, it’s not only about the “big ticket” items. The way you regulate booze control in your crib speaks volumes. For example, there are few things that scream “I suck” more than stacking empty liquor bottles on your bookshelves or mantle. Never has any chick walked into a room and said, “Wow, you guys really drink a lot. I can tell by all those empty bottles of Raspberry Twist Smirnoff. Do you want to double team me?” In summation, it’s only reasonable to keep empty containers of alcohol in your room if you lack the self-respect to take out your trash. Like us.

END GAME

So there you have it. Needless to say, there’s much more to becoming a Back To School don (like drugs), but a magician never reveals all his tricks, except that douche on FOX. If you need a jumping off point, here are our BTS goals:

Schonberger: My game plan revolves around the ancient tactic of “striking while the iron’s hot.” With this in mind, I plan to grow a beard (impossible) and find a girlfriend (unlikely). I realize a great tan can only carry me so far into the year, so I have purchased a Gamecube as a fallback.

Catizone: I plan to bring back the jean jacket and jeans look. They have fantastic Back To School deals at Burlington Coat Factory. I also plan to always keep a pack of Mentos upon my person at all times.

[1] Note: Cornelius’ real name was Chris Schonberger.

[2] For the record, this will always be a power move.