Sovereign Bank: HORRIFYING!

The proliferation of banks in Harvard Square is nothing new. New ATMs and shiny bank branches tend to pop up after every summer vacation, and this year is no exception.

Complaining about a new bank, then, seems to be a bit passé. Besides, I usually reserve my rants for more pressing concerns (see “Get That Cell Phone Out of My Face,” 3/3/05). But there is one new financial institution on Mass. Ave. that has drawn my ire with unprecedented preposterousness.

Sovereign Bank looks innocuous enough from the front: a small, glass storefront alongside a much larger bank. But I was walking alone past this new Harvard Square addition one evening when I heard a startling voice.

“Hey, you!” it boomed. “Wait a minute!”

And, being the street-smart guy that I am, I shrieked. Suddenly I was faced with a glowing image of a guy who was so excited about student checking that he looked like he’d been strung out on speed for at least a week.

To distinguish itself from its virtually identical neighbors, Sovereign has installed a larger-than-life television screen that broadcasts young people telling me about new no-fee checking accounts while also making me think I’m about to get jumped by a drifter. Kudos to you, Sovereign Bank. Nothing makes me relate more to a faceless regional corporate entity than underpaid actors hawking low-interest credit lines by scaring the living shit out of me in the middle of the night.

Seriously, what corporate whack-off marketing loser came up with the idea of making people think they’re about to get robbed? Funny, that doesn’t really make me want to open a new account.

It does, however, make me pretty interested in home equity.