The Surreal Life

I expected my internship with Governor—yes, it’s still weird to say—Arnold Schwarzenegger to be a little otherworldly. One-liners don’t usually work as well in real life as they do in the movies, but I could see him approaching every policy decision like a movie line. On law enforcement: “I’m a cop, you idiot.” (Kindergarten Cop). On food and agriculture: “Milk is for babies, I drink beer.” (Pumping Iron). And on military affairs: “Get in the chopper. Do it now!” (Predator).

Thus, when I heard the governator opine that life in the state capitol in Sacramento would make the world’s greatest reality TV show, I was not surprised. But believe it or not, Arnie is the most normal guy in town.

This characterization begins with his rather average height. Don’t believe the bios on the internet, the man is 5’11”—maybe six feet on a good day with inch-thick heels. He also runs the most professional, well-organized office I’ve ever seen. And, surprisingly, he’s always at the capitol. Apparently he chose to forgo his usual four daily hours of acting lessons when he was elected.

But while the governor may be your average hyper-driven American with 22-inch biceps and a ridiculous accent, the rest of Sacramento is firmly rooted in the Bizarro World. The Hollywood-ready wackiness does not come from the Mr. Universe-turned-governor. Instead, it is provided by the legislature, the bureaucrats, and the generally bizarre attitude of California’s two-hours-from-anywhere (including the ocean) center of government.

Although it is not unusual for legislators to be self-absorbed (even though most of their constituents can’t even recall their names in most surveys), it is a bit disconcerting that they think they can publicly lie about the governor by accusing him of cutting education funding—in fact he raised it by $3 billion—then make nice with him in the famous “cigar-tent” and ask for autographs for their children. I think he should remind them that “he can break your neck like a chicken’s” (The Running Man), but maybe that’s just me.

The governor is certainly not perfect, as he seemingly has no problem driving around in his Hummer while promoting energy conservation, but he does at least have some sense of conserving the people’s money. This year the legislature pushed for a bill to subsidize a fictitious railroad with only the potential rights to carry cargo along a certain short route, with the hope that the bill would coax trucking companies into transporting lumber for a reasonable rate. Presumably it took all of Arnold’s business sense to realize that this idea was not a winner.

Even worse are the blatant special-interest politics that infests every piece of policy on the table. A proposal to ban junk-food sales in public schools is quickly advancing through the chambers in Sacramento, while one that would end soda sales (thought to be a direct cause of obesity that is easier to delineate than the nebulous label of “junk food”) is stalling due to aggressive lobbying from Pepsi and Coke. Such policies should at least be applied consistently.

And then there are the times when California politics are so slimy that you just have to laugh. Take for example a fish and game bill that was “gutted” so severely that not even the scales were left. The new version dealt solely with human marriage, bypassing the legislative committees that might have normally impeded its lawful passage.

Such behavior is tolerated because in California there is no reasoned opposition. Republicans caricature themselves as loony ideologues by grandstanding the addition of anti-abortion amendments to unrelated budget bills. Lacking the support of the courts and their peers, these Republicans are dismissed almost as quickly as their pet causes. People also have little ability to influence their government since the electoral districts in California are so gerrymandered that, of the 153 national and statewide positions up for grabs in the 2004 election, not a single one changed party hands.

In California, the legislators pick the people, and not the other way around. The Governor’s highest priority this fall is to fix this flawed system. Whether the “Last Action Hero” can use his brawn to make Sacramento a more down-to-earth place is anybody’s guess. But he’s flexing all of his political muscle to make it more democratic.

John Hastrup ’06, a Crimson editorial editor, is a government concentrator in Dunster House. He is upset that even his big head is scrawny compared to Arnie’s 22-inch biceps.