DEAR NIKKI: Scandal and Sorrow

I first met this tutor at the beginning of the year, and we both instantly had an attraction for each other. Since then, we’ve spent a lot of time together, and we’ve gotten dangerously close to hooking up. Right now, I know that we couldn’t date openly because we have several friends in common, and that it would disrupt our other relationships with students and tutors . What should I do?

—Tutor Troubles

Dear Tutor Troubles,

How scandalous! How juicy! Well, here’s one thing that’s certain: spark up that relationship and you could find yourself in The Crimson more often. Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, according to the handbook for resident tutors, any “amorous relationship” between undergraduates and resident tutors is grounds for the resident tutor’s dismissal. That means not only your resident tutor, but any resident tutor on campus. Certainly tutor-student relationships are taboo, but it is a little known fact that they are strictly forbidden in the College rulebooks.

While initiating a relationship in any circumstance can be confusing, this time you may have a third bedfellow to deal with: the Harvard bureaucracy. FYI, a Quincy House tutor had to leave last year following allegations of a relationship between her and an undergraduate. So, the basic problem here is that no matter what your real feelings, the rules are clear—simple friendship: yay. Deep passionate relationship or casual sex: nay. Harvard rules prohibit tutors to have student friends with “benefits.”

But, let’s move away from these regulations and think about you for a second. You need to think about why you’re so interested in him. Is it because he is “really, really, ridiculously good-looking,” like Derek Zoolander? Are you looking for extra help on your problem sets, access to a larger bedroom, and a leg-up on graduate school applications? Are you enamored with his intellect? Or do you think this is just about the mystery?

For most people, my advice is to be open-minded and try things out. But sometimes, sadly, when the relationship cannot work in anything but the form it is in right now, there is a high probability that external complications will cause you to lose the friendship you so dearly fought for and won.

If you really like this tutor and you think the feelings are mutual, you should talk to him about it. Be honest and open with him, and hopefully you will receive the same treatment in return. Keep in mind, though, that your tutor is in a bit more of a precarious situation than you, as he has a year of delicious dining hall epicurean delights at stake. So, don’t take anything too personally: this is more than just about the two of you.

In the end, if you discuss the difficulties that this situation could pose, it seems that the most practical and least sketchy decision is to carry on a friendship and hold off on something more until you are submerged in more comfortable circumstances.

One more important thing to watch out for here: the power imbalance inherent in the resident tutor structure (or TF structure, for that matter). The tutor is meant to be an adult figure, and regardless of how things seem now, you will experience—and others will perceive—a profound inequality in whatever romantic relationship may follow.

In sum, this is not something to experiment with. Don’t try this at home.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who has not had this problem as both of her tutors have been females with fiancées.

Dear Nikki,

As classes are now over, I feel like I’m supposed to be happy. But I am just so confused and sad that my first year at college is already done. Over the summer, I’m going to miss all of my friends and can’t believe just how quickly my first year here has gone by. Is it wrong to feel so down right now?

—Forlorn Freshman

Dear Forlorn Freshman,

First off, no—it is not wrong to feel so down, especially since May in Cambridge is eerily reminiscent of February in Siberia. The fast passage of time can be scary, and it always seems like spring semester races by. I took a year off before college and still couldn’t believe that I was already done with my freshman year when it happened.

I still remember dancing to “My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard” with my roommate in Stoughton last spring—sad both that it was the end of the year and that there were no boys coming to the yard except for the Harvard freshmen.

I think the best thing for you to do is to simply accept it. Transition is definitely tough, but important. And the more that you acknowledge that the year has passed and you are moving on to new things, the better.

I mean, just think about all of things that you’ll miss from your freshman year: being part of a large mass walk to the Quad because there are no parties in freshman dorms, being around people suffering from the “I’m away from home for the first time so I’ll behave like I’ve just gotten out of prison” syndrome, and the noble and foolish desire to get straight As in all of your classes. It all fades faster than the lessons of Expos class.

Joking aside, the novelty of freshman year is something unique and special, but sophomore year will be great too—just make sure you lose the freshman 15 before the onset of your sophomore slump…

I promise it only gets better from here. Next year you don’t have to start from scratch. You’ll already be “in the groove” at Harvard and everything that you enjoyed and loved from this year will not be instantaneously lost with the onset of summer.

You should be happy that you had such a good year that you would be feeling so nostalgic already…

Freshman year is a unique experience that will never again repeated. Only once will you be that awkward and insecure. Unless you remake Groundhog Day and set it in your freshman year. That’d be amusing.

Sincerely,

Nikki: “Bring it on, junior year.”

—“Dear Nikki” runs on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com.Letters will be published anonymously.