DEAR NIKKI: Salivation and Salvation

Dear Nikki,

I really care about my girlfriend a lot and love spending time with her, but when she kisses me, she slobbers everywhere. How can I improve her kissing abilities? Is it rude to tell her how I feel? What can I say to her?

—Soaked in Seduction

Holy cow-tongue! Slobber is a sensitive subject, and while I do think that direct communication is important in relationships, the indirect approach also needs to be part of your repertoire. Kissing, like good wine, is something that can improve over time. I promise. Just follow this simple two-part procedure and you will achieve French kiss bliss.

Part One: When you “hang out” (read: hook up) with her, take extra care to emphasize especially small and delicate kisses separated by substantial pauses; less time = less saliva + more oxygen. Every time she tries to prolong the duration or increase the intensity of the tonguing, pull back immediately. This is crucial.

Part Two: Wait about 10 days. Your exaggerated “pecking” technique will (subtly) scream “STOP THE SUFFOCATING SLOBBERING!” And the kissing should improve.

If you’ve been faithfully following this technique but still aren’t seeing results after a full 10 days, it may be necessary to resort to Plan B: Direct Communication. That does not entail complete honesty: If you say, “Would you stop slathering my face with your gross tongue already?” there’s a 96 percent chance that she will slap you.

The key is respectful discourse. For example, maybe try saying “Let’s make this a little slower and smoother” followed (quickly) by a tickling session to defuse the inevitable awkwardness.

Hopefully, these two strategies will leave you—and your cheeks—in the clear. But remember that if she brushes her teeth and doesn’t bite, you’re already ahead of the game. And that may be the only advantage you’ll enjoy. Some people simply have trouble improving these higher motor skills.

Even Shakespeare’s Romeo did not master the art of kissing at first. His reviews from Juliet after their first encounter: “You kiss by th’ book” (I, v, 107). Though some may interpret this as a positive attribute for our young lover, my kiss-doctor interpretation is instead that he lacked creativity. Romeo had something to learn about smooching. Be patient. It takes time.

I distinctly remember the days when I would giggle at my aunt and uncle making “fishy lips” when they kissed. I was eight. Now we’re in college. And we no longer define kissing as a mode of transferring cooties. If you really like this girl, the rest will come. So, enjoy your fishy lips; maybe you’ll find a little slobber is the key to long-term happiness.

Mwah,

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

My boyfriend just dumped me, and I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s making me really upset. What should I do?

­—Distressed and Distracted

If I followed those now-ubiquitous advice books, I would ask you to consider what your “inner voice” is telling you. Or even tell you to practice ritual breathing exercises while making a list of your 10 most positive qualities.

But let’s skip over navigation through “The Break-Up Survival Kit” and fast forward to reality: you need to exorcise your ex. And the best way to do that is to focus on you.

This is a golden opportunity to seize your independence. You’re no longer tied down.

What does that mean? It’s time to blast (lots of) Tina Turner. Independence is about not needing something or someone else to make you feel “okay.” At least, that’s what Tommy Jefferson wrote in his Declaration.

Honestly, though, independence is about being a little selfish sometimes and indulging in the things you love. Enjoy time with your friends and family, focus on your school work and extracurriculars.

This is not to say that you should push down all your feelings in a sea of distraction; you are justified in being sad, but not to the point that it runs your life.

Remember that the opposite of love is not hate: it’s indifference. So even if you are able to move from “I miss him” to “I hate him,” you are still too tied up in the relationship. The more you obsess over this, the worse you will feel.

So, take pleasure in yourself. And—without having to make a list—learn to appreciate yourself.

Relationships are about two people—not one; except, of course, if you’re in a ménage-a-trois. Then it’s about three people. Anyway, the point is that if you focus on either what you did wrong or what he did wrong, you will be left with frustration. If he pulled the whole, “Let’s be friends. It’s not you… it’s me,” spiel, he was most likely not being completely honest.

It was both of you. And that compatibility factor (the chemistry) coupled with timing (I, for one, believe timing is everything) is what brought the relationship to an end. So don’t wrap yourself up in questions of how you could have changed. The worst attitude is to be consumed by the past.

While I advocate self-reliance, I’m also a realist. So, if a random hook-up provides a suitable distraction, go for it. Just watch out for the confusion that might follow. Post-hookup is when guys tend to get vague. Do they want to hook up again? Unclear. Do they want to court you? Unclear. Are they straight? Unclear.

One thing to keep in mind is that—as hard as it may be to realize—this is an important and valuable experience.

And never, never, never feel like you weren’t good enough. This happens to the best of us. And we all have to learn to move on. Your dreamboat awaits you at the last chance dance.

Your Yenta,

Nikki

—“Dear Nikki” will run on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com.Letters will be published anonymously.