Sorely Tested

How ironic that a soap party confirms what we knew all along: Matherites are dirty, dirty people who refuse to shower and are looking to spread their rashes among the Harvard student body. We demand that Mather Lather be followed by Mower Shower next year.

Matherites consistently do their best to put on a raucous bash which has been historically riddled with controversy. Two years ago they ran out of foam. Last year they came under fire for advertising to pre-frosh females. But this year they really outdid themselves, landing an Associated Press article which included the quote, “I am going to scratch myself until I bleed to death if this continues another day.” Mather, you are full of geniuses. Dirty, yes, but sharp.

We would like to express our relief that all Matherites have prison cell singles in which they can all be quarantined for the duration of this outbreak. The bumping and grinding in which Matherites consistently engage is not only unpleasant for the eye, it’s facilitating the rapid spread of disease. It’s long past time for Mather’s Masters and House Committee to put locks on the outside of Mather doors. Then it’s time for Lysol fumigation—particularly the room of that sophomore whose genitals were affected. Ew.

Of course, the big question is whether the outbreak of rashes was due to the foam at the party or to activities undertaken after everyone blacked out. A quick survey of Fifteen Minutes’ party report confirmed our suspicions, as every picture featured incestuous, Mather-like debauchery that could only reasonably culminate with the transfer of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). And where did those STD’s come from? That’s right. They came from Matherites.

While it’s tempting to replace all the monkeys in the psych labs in William James Hall with dirrty Matherites, we’re even more worried that they’re already being used that way. Placating animal rights activists would be fun, but what about Matherite rights activists? If, as seems likely, Matherites are being used to incubate and spread a new super-Herpes virus for the government, then we all have a serious problem.

In the end, we are all quite happy that Mather is isolated on the eastern end of campus, keeping us temporarily safe from their diseases. Matherites have proven themselves to be a dirty, scheming, incestuous bunch who may or may not be out to infest the rest of the Harvard population. But, Mather, neither you nor your government handlers will win. At next year’s Lather, we’re grinding in hazmat suits.