McGINN 'N' JUICE: Taking a Page from Hooligan Handbook

Time and again this page has bemoaned the woeful attendance at nearly all Harvard sporting events, calling upon students to make the trek across the river to support their peers and cheer on the programs that represent them.

We’ve tried to offer constructive ways in which the University might lure some of us down there. We’ve suggested sponsor giveaways, intermission contests, and the other catchy marketing tools employed by other schools nationwide.

Not all of our suggestions have been realized. Few have, actually. Wait, have any?

Doesn’t matter. We have been deluding ourselves, and it is time at last to come to grips with the reality that we have tried to disprove for so long: Harvard students don’t care about their athletic department.

Period.

Nothing you or I say or do will ever change that, so we—the apologists of the Harvard athletics department—might as well stop, re-evaluate our position, and begin once again. What ought we, as Crimson fans, do in order to support the teams to which we claim allegiance? How might we save ourselves the embarrassment of being one of the few dozen students to be outnumbered by our Cornell counterparts come next hockey season, or one of the smattering of fans drunkenly berated by our Brown “peers” at an upcoming women’s water polo contest?

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With Inter Milan trailing cross-town rival AC Milan 1-0 in the second leg of their UEFA Champions League quarterfinal showdown this week, Inter’s fans quickly spiraled out of control, bombarding the field with flares and other bits of detritus.

One of the projectiles struck AC Milan’s goaltender Nelson Dida in the head, forcing the suspension of the match and the evacuation of the pitch. When the two sides returned, the flares rained down once more, prompting the end of the contest.

Inter will likely be heavily fined by UEFA and forced to play at least one of its upcoming games in an empty stadium—a punishment for its rowdy fans.

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The question that logically follows is, of course, this: Why haven’t we thought of this?

Now, before you begin writing your letters to the editor, at least hear me out. I’m not advocating that we mimic Inter Milan’s fans right down to the last flare. Not by a long shot. I’m not asking that we import the hooliganism that would put players at risk.

But that playing in front of an empty stadium idea? I think we may have something here.

I know it sounds silly, but there are advantages for everyone here, both athletes and the fans who would actually want to support them.

For the athletes: Harvard’s athletes already play in stadiums that are almost empty anyway. Making the leap to completely empty would be simple and most would easily make the transition.

This would also hurt opponents in two ways. First, visitors wouldn’t be able two ways. First, visitors wouldn’t be able to bring their fans with them. At many home sporting events, the number of opposing fans equals or surpasses the number of Harvard fans, rendering the contest a de facto neutral site game. Sure the same is true in a no-fan arena, but at least spectators won’t be able to motivate the other team either.

Second, you’ve got to figure playing in that environment for the first time would be down-right unsettling. How do you get up for a game like that if you’ve never played in circumstances like that before? You probably can’t. Advantage, Harvard.

For the fans: Come on. Most of you aren’t going anyway. This lets you save face. Why aren’t you going to the game? Because I was so damn rowdy the last time out they won’t let me back into the stadium. Wow, you sound like a really hardcore fan, even though you don’t even know what Allston looks like.

And for those who actually would go to the games, you no longer need endure the shame of being virtually alone in the stands, abandoned by your peers.

I’ll admit there are some logistical details that I haven’t quite thought through just yet. For example, just how would we pull this off?

Enter the Boston Police Department (BPD). Captain William Evans (remember him? You threw up on his uniform at The Game) doesn’t like Harvard students too much. He thinks we’re pretentious snobs with no respect for his authority and wants to shut down our tailgates over in Allston.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he wouldn’t mind banning Harvard students from Boston altogether. See! It’s even a win for the BPD.

Just think about it, Harvard supporters. Our attendance is low now, but it could be a whole lot lower. And we’d all be better fans for it.

—Staff writer Timothy J. McGinn can be reached at mcginn@fas.harvard.edu. His column appears on alternate Fridays.