Gilding the Guided Tour

Snow is on the ground, and the sounds of rolling suitcases on cobblestones are floating through the air. Eager third-year students sit salivating in their rooms, awaiting the inevitable trips to the North End, or just a fine Square eatery, with their parents. As the Charles Hotel fills up with Baby Boomers, our parents are surely wondering exactly what has happened to their gen-Y’ers during the last three years. This weekend is their chance to view us in our natural habitats, to experience what being a Harvard student is really like. In anticipation of this special weekend, we just wanted to dispel a few myths.

First off, the Immediate Graduation Players, one of Harvard’s improv comedy groups, does not usually host shows at 9:45am. In fact, while discussing this particular calendar item, members of The Crimson Staff were moved to tears of pity. We appreciate their sacrifice, and for their sake we hope that some of the sketches will include hangover impressions.

Besides that though, the schedule of Junior Parents Weekend seems to closely mirror parts of student life here at Harvard. There are lectures in the morning, stimulating academic events—like tours of art museums and panel discussions—in the afternoon, and a plenty of time at night for homework and anything else the nocturnal Harvard student can dream up. This schedule may be punctuated by some unrealistic dining hall meals—it’s not a coincidence that they’re serving mahi mahi and salmon on Friday and Saturday—but in the end that’s to be expected from a school that spray paints the dirt in Tercentenary Theater green for Commencement ceremonies. It’s not so much covering up as it is beautifying. And our parents deserve the best since, after all, they were the ones who sent us here.

Speaking of parents, inevitably there will be those awkward parent-to-parent conversations, where the conservative parents ask the liberal parents about what their son/daughter has been up to. The liberal parents will answer: “Oh, Susie’s told us about all the clubs she’s been to with her roommates, just like when we were in college.” A certain Harvard junior will then be written out of the will for awhile.

After information sessions, informal lectures, and even an ice cream bash, our parents are likely to meet more people than we’ve met in three years. This could have some serious consequences. Odds are, our parents will meet the parents of at least one of the following: 1) someone we drunkenly hooked up with; 2) that annoying kid in section; or, worst of all, 3) a member of the semi-secret Sorrento Square organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine. So close yet so far, thank god. Just hope both of you don’t collect your ‘rents at the same time.

Beyond these pitfalls, many more lie in wait. But the fact remains that Junior Parents Weekend can never be an accurate representation of real Harvard life. Our advice to parents and students is the same: don’t ask questions, don’t dawdle, and take everything at face value. It’s better that way.