Rap's Top Ten Breakdown

The Billboard Rap Charts this week. I’m not sure there’s a bad song in the bunch, except for 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop.” But all’s forgiven though because that dude’s had a hard week what with the shootings, the launch of the G-Unity Foundation, and the New York Times comparing him to the author of What’s the Matter With Kansas. Which is worse?

10. Eminem—Mockingbird

Although it’s supposed to be a lullaby, the fact that Eminem sounds like he’s half asleep on this song winds up sounding pretty awkward. The rhymes are startling, technically speaking, but his delivery makes them seem unnecessarily forced. At the same time, he’s sounding more and more convincing playing the role of “dad”—which on the one hand is comforting because he actually does have children, but depressing on the other. This is the guy who used to be Slim Shady, after all.

9. T.I.—U Don’t Know Me

There’s been a rash of these lately—first Ludacris’ “Get Back,” in which he proclaims “you don’t know me like that!”—and now this. These guys are getting too defensive. The best part about the song is the video it spawned, which has all kinds of different people mouthing the “you don’t know me” part of the chorus. It’s kind of like the video for “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit, which features cameos by Eminem, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Jonathan from Korn, and also Pauly Shore I’m pretty sure. Worth mentioning, I thought.

8. The Game ft. 50 Cent—Hate It Or Love It

Great beat by Dr. Dre, and a fabulous little chorus that moves quick and slinky through 50 Cent’s bullet ridden gullet. “Coming up I was confused/my momma was kissing a girl.” Haha. That’s the first line. Kissing a girl.

7. Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell—Drop It Like It’s Hot

This is still good, although way too old to be number seven on anything. Not that seven is too old. But you see what I mean about the Billboard charts moving slow as molasses?

6. T.I.—Bring ’Em Out

Pretty old song by now, but the beat still sounds like a gold-plated tank and T.I. still kind of reminds me of Will Smith. Mainly in that both of their wives hate gay people for some reason.

5. Trillville—Some Cut

Remember when Ludacris put out that song “Freaky Thangs”? And he had that line about making the mattress go “uhr-uhr, uhr-uhr”? Well, this song is like that, except the beat actually samples a mattress going “uhr-uhr uhr-uhr.” Also, there’s a line in here where he tells a girl that her smell is unique. Trillville is really great, basically.

4. 50 Cent—Disco Inferno

It should be noted that Shady/Aftermath is responsible for five of the ten songs on this week’s chart. I don’t think any one label has ever dominated the pop landscape so completely before, and it makes me wonder whether the collective is headed for a breakdown. History seems to suggest that they are, but with Dre’s Detox imminent, another G-Unit album on the way, and a D-12 record surely on the horizon, I don’t know if they’ll ever go cold. This whole feud between 50 Cent and the Game, meanwhile, was sort of shocking, although I guess one could have predicted mutiny since there simply are no other, non-affiliated rappers in the world left to beef with. Now that the whole thing’s over, though, it’s become completely clear that the whole thing was just a publicity stunt. An amazing one.

3. Lil Jon ft. Ludacris and Usher—Lovers and Friends

Still great. Can’t wait until they do a whole album together. Speaking of music, has everyone heard “Wait” by the Ying Yang Twins? It’s important that you do.

2. The Game ft. 50 Cent—How We Do

More like how we don’t, in light of recent events! Haha. I think I just fell off.

1. 50 Cent ft. Olivia—Candy Shop

The only noteworthy thing about this song is that 50 Cent insists on using his “hotter than a tea kettle” metaphor again. It’s just not that good! Yet, you used it again, 50! How come? The Times pointed out in their review of “The Massacre” that you’re the only rapper badass enough to get away with it—but do you think that it is true??

Until The Game gets into 50’s candy shop (not far off, G-Unity!), make mine music.

—Staff writer Leon Neyfakh can be reached at neyfakh@fas.harvard.edu.