'Total' Eclipse of the Heart

“TRL” might have lost some of its relevance with the departure of Carson Daly, but it’s still more exciting than Billboard, if only because new songs shuffle in and out a lot faster, and new entries are more common. Plus, borderline acts like Jesse McCartney and Simple Plan would never have a chance at breaking the official top 10, and the TRL charts give them a chance to bask happily in the adoration of youth. It is one awesome show. Everything on it is important.

10. Jesse McCartney—Beautiful Soul

Although this song is pretty vanilla and boring, the road trip-themed video is the cutting edge. At one point, Jesse, who may or may not be related to his dad Paul, gets his car towed by a fat person on a tractor, who takes him to a beach where there is a party with girls (Jesse holds hands with them). Sometimes he wears sunglasses but sometimes, he has blonde hair. He is a gorgeous child.

9. Destiny’s Child—Soldier

A classy vid! Black and white, shaking bodies, and some unrealistically gummy stomachs. Also Ice Cube is in it for a second. Regrettably, the thing takes a turn for the creepy near the end, when a couple of thugs tenderly rub Beyonce’s sister Solange on the pregnancy.

8. Green Day—Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Reminds me of something Avril Lavigne might do. Most things seem to, lately, and I wish Green Day hadn’t done this. The video is melodramatic, overly stylized, and generally it suffers from Green Day’s newfound self-importance.

7. Usher—Caught Up

A soaring, enormous song, and a brilliant video to match. Reminds me of “Billie Jean” in its imagery—with dark streets, gleaming puddles, and sinister looking street lights shining down on Usher’s fresh, bleeding face. The whole thing’s got a marvelous kind of grimy vibe to it, and the beat hops handily! I’d love to see a collaboration between Usher and Justin Timberlake at this point, because they’ve developed very similar characters that have little left to do but brawl.

6. Jennifer Lopez—Get Right

She’s gotten rather old, hasn’t she? The lyrics, provocative as ever, don’t seem to match the fact that she looks like a forty-year-old soccer mom, and having Fabolous there just makes it seem like an indecent affair between a mother and her teenage son’s best friend. “I’m not Mr. Right, I’m Mr. Right Now,” Fabo announces at the outset, and Jennifer responds by writhing uncomfortably upon a box.

5. Simple Plan—Shut Up

In this video, Simple Plan storms through a luxury hotel like a tribe of terrorists and hijacks the ballroom stage before rocking out in front of a bunch of people who don’t want them there. Reminds me of show by the Dramadairy. Which is my band. Which is, incidentally, alive and well. Big ups to our fans at WHRB!!!

4. Britney Spears—Do Somethin’

Embarrassing but lovely. As Crimson Arts honeybox Simon W. Vozick-Levinson ’06 astutely pointed out, Britney rides a pink hummer through heaven here. Elsewhere, she makes wacky faces and shrieks the worst chorus of her career. I think maybe this is her take on Eminem’s Encore.

3. 50 Cent—Candy Shop

This is basically a porn short filmed by the production company that makes airline safety videos. Par for the course, 50 Cent continues his streak of rapping about stuff he likes, and the whole thing leaves me feeling a bit empty because “Magic Stick” was such a better song.

2. Eminem—Like Toy Soldiers

A weird choice for a single for every reason except the gorgeous chorus by Martika. The video is lackluster, like most of his other serious endeavors with the exception of “Mosh,” and the most interesting thing about it is the generic, two dimensional way he portrays the anonymous rappers going after him. In total, it’s paranoid, overly dramatic, and lyrically forceful—a song to rival “Stan,” perhaps, for most crossover potential. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

1. Lindsay Lohan—Over

These things always seem to end badly. One day, there will be a good number one, and we will celebrate together.

Keep it positive until next time, when Uncharted Waters will tackle the superstar tsunami Grammy tribute performance by U2 lead singer Bono, Stevie Wonder, Norah Jones, Alicia Keys, Velvet Revolver, Tim McGraw, and Brian Wilson (crazy!).

—Staff writer Leon Neyfakh can be reached at neyfakh@fas.harvard.edu.