DEAR NIKKI: Just Do It

Dear Nikki,

I’ve been dating this graduate student for a couple of weeks now, and he all of the sudden stopped calling me. I feel like it might be because he’s worried he was showing too much attention before and wants to “play it cool.” I’ve called him once and left a message… should I try again? What do you think is going on?

—Lost in Love


First, let me give you the parsimonious answer: He’s Just Not That Into You. And the best-selling book of this title offers you an appropriately simplistic dictum. Basically, authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo say, if a guy really likes you, he won’t let anything get in his way. Scoffing at the classic scenario of overeager single women (you really like this guy, he gives you mixed signals, you make excuses for him), Behrendt and Tuccillo advise women to stop kidding themselves, let go, and look for someone who will be “into you.”

But while the authors have not received such acclaim without reason, their argument is ultimately flawed.

Why? Because our actions and desires cannot be so simplistically categorized. Because dating is not exclusively about male pursuit of female. Because relationships are complicated, and there are no laws of attraction.

Even the pensive Bridget Jones provides an alternate solution: Maybe he’s being a “Martian rubber band which needs to stretch away in order to come back.”

While there must be limits to making hapless justifications for male reticence, that doesn’t mean there are no alternate reasons for your cell phone’s conspicuous silence.

After an empirical study I conducted over the weekend (i.e. talking with several male specimens at Harvard-Yale), I have uncovered several reasons why some men just won’t call. a) “I Don’t Want to Make a Fool of Myself” b) “I Don’t Want to Come Across As Over-Eager“ c) “I Think That She Doesn’t Like Me” d) “I’m Puking ‘Cause I Drank Too Much Last Night” e) “I’m Not Sure That I Can Be With Her Right Now Even If I Do Like Her.”

The best thing you can do is not make these excuses for yourself! Call him yourself! Be as direct as possible. (But make sure you don’t come off as too scary or desperate!) So if you’ve called him already, give him a call back and say simply that you’re interested in meeting up again and that you’d appreciate a call back. Of course, his being older doesn’t necessarily correspond to heightened maturity, but he should at least have the courtesy to tell you how he’s feeling either way.

And if you don’t get a call after some time, then you can turn to the best-selling authors (whose premise is not entirely flawed). Move on. You deserve better. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t call. And you know what? There are people that do, and will. Men are not animals without emotion. If the patterns of our relationships could be fully traced back to Darwin’s concept of natural selection, we would be living in a much different world today.

Even if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we are (for the most part) firmly planted on Earth.


I’m Just That Into You,

Nikki




Dear Nikki,

I feel like I’m so busy and can never commit to anything with friends—whether it’s a dinner, a movie, or even coffee. What should I do?

—Frustrated Friend


It seems that often people at Harvard are “too busy” to commit to just chilling out.

While this is understandable—I do empathize with you, even though I’m about to be mean to you—that does not make it good or right.

Take a step back and evaluate what’s important to you. While you shouldn’t feel pressured to chat with every acquaintance in your phone book, you should feel justified (and encouraged!) to set aside the time to chill out and enjoy time with people you care about.

Put your busy days in perspective. In the end, when you’ve gotten your 4.0 and are vice-president of Model U.N., what you will actually care about and remember are the relationships that you’ve forged along the way. And sometimes this takes setting aside time for coffee.

It is, in fact, possible to be ambitious, become involved in a variety of different extracurricular and academic pursuits, and still set your priorities straight. It will not make you less successful to hang out with friends. In fact, having some down time will probably make you more efficient.

A friend of mine even had the idea to start “Fun Club” as a way to bring friends—“busy people scattered in many directions”—together for a couple of hours of careless fun. Though everyone may be scattered in many directions for good reasons (i.e. we are all motivated, talented, hard-working people) all of this motivation, talent, and hard work would be a waste without love and support.

Sometimes you just can’t make the time to meet, and that’s totally understandable. Your friends should understand. But, for the most part, take the time…it will be worth it. I’m not trying to say that if you have your first thesis chapter due the next day, you should make sure to go see the latest “Harry Potter” with your friends. But I am saying that you will have to make the time, rather than wait for a magic few minutes. You’ll always be busy, but you won’t always have all your friends so close by.


Sincerely,

Nikki—who hopes to one day master the art of chilling


—“Dear Nikki” runs on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.