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Pointing out that Harvard is better than Yale is like pointing out that it’s really cold in Cambridge in January: it’s perennially true, to the point that it’s trite and, frankly, boring.
We’re not above that.
We are, however, above repeating the fact in the same way every year, and so, every year, we try to mix it up a little bit and find new ways to point out the inherent inferiority of Yalies. We’d hate for them to get complacent. So, this year, rather than simply writing the usual vaguely clever but mostly lame jokes and value judgments that infer that Yale sucks, we’re going to try something different. We’ve assembled some numbers that prove, empirically, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Yale sucks. A lot.
So, to Harvard students: pat yourselves on the back, like you do every morning. Yalies: weep.
THE STATS
Rhodes Scholars, 1947-2005
Harvard: 315
Yale: 163
Edge: Harvard, though we wish we had Bill Clinton.
Affiliated Nobel Prize Winners
Harvard: 75
Yale: 23
Edge: Harvard; world peace.
Number of sitting Supreme Court Justices educated
Harvard: 6
Yale: 1
Edge: Harvard, and also a certain Yale alumnus (see Bush v. Gore, 2000).
Number of U.S. Presidents educated
Harvard: 7
Yale: 5
Edge: Harvard; free society.
Real Estate Holdings
Harvard: 4,882 acres
Yale: 925 acres
Edge: Harvard, but not Cambridge (think: taxes).
Number of Libraries
Harvard: more than 90
Yale: 22
Edge: Nerds at both institutions.
Number of Library Books
Harvard: about 15.4 million
Yale: about 11.4 million
Edge: See previous.
Number of Museums
Harvard: 13
Yale: 5
Edge: Harvard; old, expensive objects.
Age of Institution
Harvard: 369 years
Yale: 304 years
Edge: Harvard. As illustrated above, we value old things. We also have Sam Huntington.
Acceptance Rate
Harvard: 9.1%
Yale: 9.7%
Edge: Harvard. Egos thrive on exclusivity.
Admissions Yield
Harvard: 78%
Yale: 68%
Edge: Harvard; applicants on Yale’s wait-list.
City Air Pollution Index (lower is better)
Cambridge: 75
New Haven: 96
Edge: Harvard; our lungs.
City Property Crime Risk (lower is better)
Cambridge: 102
New Haven: 255
Edge: Harvard; people stealing in New Haven; people who own things at Harvard.
So, there we have it: conclusive, empirical proof that Harvard is top-shelf, while Yale is somewhere in the middle shelves, maybe even in the musty pantry in the basement. We have more books, more land, cleaner air, a block on the Supreme Court, and so many Nobel Prize winners, we don’t know what to do with ourselves.
Surely, if we could mine a statistic on modesty, we would own you there, too, Yale—much in the same way that we’ll own you tomorrow on the gridiron.
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