Time for a Rewrite?

Last Friday, the Office of Career Services (OCS) hosted its annual career forum. Employers present ranged from mouse dolls to white ballpoints to fruit snacks. Or, rather, Walt Disney to Goldman Sachs to General Mills. While ostensibly this event was to allow students to learn about different companies and opportunities (or just to sneak off with business cards to claim connections we don’t have), the sharpest students realized that, really, the career fair is about free stuff. The bag OCS gave us at the entrance was simply too big for brochures alone to fill. So students turned instead to giveaways, the vast majority of which are company pens. The variation among these writing utensils was significant, and, having grabbed all the pens we could see, we have come to the realization that some pens are more equal than others. In the interest of strong investigative journalism, we have determined the top three pens of the career forum in a way totally not unhindered by bias, arbitrariness, and the off-chance that the winning companies might send more of their pens our way.

First place goes to UBS with their smooth, sleek, gray and silver pen. The color palette says to those who see it, “yes I work ridiculous hours, but I’m rich, bitch!” Nevertheless, what matters is what’s under the hood, so to speak, and taking the top off this pen doesn’t disappoint. Once the cap is removed the entire balance of the pen changes. This is because the inside of the cap is lined with a soft rubbery material. The pen now balances perfectly in the hand. The rubber coating is also a plus when it comes to sliding the cap back on. Instead of roughly fitting back on, the lining allows the pen to slide gently into and out of the cap, allowing overworked first-year analysts to at least simulate what they no longer have time to actually experience. One negative, however, is that the rubber creates a bit too much friction when putting the cap on. Next year, UBS may want to make the lining self-lubricated.

UBS also gets bonus points for being the only company to provide two different types of pens. The other model is an exercise in function over form. With a highlighter on one end and a pen point on the other, it is the perfect accessory for this multitasking generation. However, the pretentious name of the pen, the “Senator,” and the condescending instructions telling us to “twist” to open the pen, hurts its overall score. The pen’s most glaring design flaw is the cap for the highlighter. In pressing down on the cap, the pen tip comes out on the other end, which caused one of us to stab himself and bleed an astonishing amount of blood for so small a wound. We hope this model is just a prototype, and we are contemplating legal action.

Second place goes to the MDT Advisers pen, which proves that even with the most phallic-shaped objects, size doesn’t matter. The all-silver pen with black writing is even sleeker than the UBS pen. However, the pen receives only runner-up status because it’s too simplistic. There’s no color, there’s no life. A pen has to be like a model and change its look with its function: “You’re cheetah! You’re a lamb! You’re an iguana.” The MDT doesn’t do that.

The bronze medal goes to the Capital One pen. With its bright pink design, Capital One shows a little dexterity beyond their ridiculously bad Viking commercials (or are those Huns?). What’s more, the inside of the body of the pen is a game in which one must guide a silver ball through a maze, much like the games we all got as party-favors when we were six. But just like those party-favor games, the pen’s game proved to be too difficult and frustrating, and soon we jumped on the pen shouting, “Who’s smart enough to solve a maze now?” We then killed the nearest balloon animal-maker with an arm we ripped off of a clown. It was very mature.

Finally, we regretfully must comment on the woeful showing of one Fidelity Investments. The company’s pen is a standard Bic, with the only customization being a green cap and Fidelity’s name and logo on the side. Fidelity, if you want to recruit us, don’t give us the kind of pen we steal from Holiday Inn. You’re an investment firm. How good can you being at making money when your pen is a cheap piece of crapsmanship? You’ll face our wrath for eternity. (Unless you give us jobs.)

We conclude by wishing the losers better luck next year and congratulating our top three. But to these champions we also add a warning. Don’t rest on your laurels. Our memory is short, but our hunger for freebies is not. Our bags are still only half-full, so keep them coming.