DEAR NIKKI: Anxiety and Amor

Dear Nikki,

I always feel stressed out. Everyone else seems to know what the next step is after college, but I don’t. I can’t bring myself to focus on work because I’m always worried about how much I have to do. Any suggestions?

—Stressed Senior

First of all, take a deep breath. You are not alone. We are all plagued by the uncertainty of what the “next step” is and feel like there are a million different things to do at the same time. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, all your peers are nervous, gauging their own progress by the standards of others, and questioning themselves as they prepare to take the plunge into the “real world.”

You should keep in mind that there is an important difference between stress and anxiety. Stress is an inevitable component of our lives, and it can actually be a force that motivates us to work toward achieving our goals. Anxiety, however, is a force that is detrimental to our progress, and occurs when our stress reaches levels so high that we are no longer productive.

So the key is not to eliminate stress in your life, because that is impossible—you cannot avoid the problem set you have due on Friday, the frazzled call from your aunt, or the guy that keeps calling you 10 times a night. Instead, you need to figure out the best way to cope with the different stresses in your life right now and prevent them from crossing the boundary into the realm of “anxiety.”

Your worries over post-Harvard plans are completely understandable. It’s important to recognize that these worries most likley stem not from the frustration caused by lack of opportunity after college but instead from the overwhelming number of possibilities. Though the notion that you can “be anyone” and “do anything” may seem liberating in the abstract, it is far from comforting—fretting about which door to open can be as debilitating as having no doors at all.

So, the first step is research: take time to talk to people from different fields and learn about the different opportunities out there. Use the resources that Harvard does have—the Office of Career Services, House advisors, friends (!), professors, TFs—to help guide you through this maze. In the midst of intense recruiting season, it can be overwhelming to see friends shuffled through workshops, interviews, and fellowship meetings. But don’t feel like everyone else has it figured out. They don’t.

Also, your first job right after college is not the predictor of the rest of your life. So be comfortable with going with the flow a little bit. At the same time, don’t shy away from confronting decisions and doing what you can to be informed and move forward. This is not the time to run away from your fears (i.e. procrastinate).

Making decisions doesn’t mean closing off doors…it instead means choosing a particular route for now. These choices are malleable, so you will not be trapped forever. Go for your dreams—crippling cynicism is so unattractive at this age. And have back-up plans to make yourself feel more secure.

At the same time, this is your senior year. And you should enjoy it. Go out dancing and shake your hips with everyone when Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” comes on. Enjoy just shooting the shit with friends.

Clinging to junior year,

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

I’m still in a relationship with my girlfriend from high school, and while things are good overall, we still have pretty frequent fights about jealousy and being far apart. What do you think I should do?

—Befuddled Boyfriend

Ah, yes—the good-ol’ “High School Sweetheart Dilemma,” a challenge that has plagued college students for ages.

To be blunt, I believe that novelist George Whyte-Melville had it right when he said that “we always believe that our first Love is our last, and our last Love is our first.” In other words, the notion that you have found “the one” is most likely not true. And while long distance relationships seem feasible in theory, their success rates are dismally low.

That said, this does not mean that your relationship is categorically doomed. You shouldn’t give up hope just because the majority of the cases haven’t worked out. This does mean, however, that you should increase your awareness of the decision you’re making and why you’re making it.

Do you want to stay with your girlfriend because it’s the more comfortable and easy thing to do? Because you think that breaking up with her would hurt her feelings? Because you think she’ll be a good back-up if you don’t find anyone better at school? These would all—surprise, surprise—be bad reasons to stay together. Choosing this route may be preventing you from seizing new opportunities.

If, instead, you really feel that maintaining a relationship with your girlfriend is really important to you, that you can’t imagine being without her, and if you’re willing to shell out the cash for a couple of train trips (or flights) here and there, then the next step is to make sure that you do things right to keep you both sane.

Here are some tips to make your love last (in a healthy way). First of all, make sure that you and your “lovah” are on the same page about your feelings and the relationship. This does not translate to three-hour conversations every night about your emotions (that would be bad!), but it does mean that you need to check in on a regular basis. Also, when you do get the chance to see one another, it should be special. Plan specific dates for a rendez-vous, and make an effort to meet each other’s friends as well.

Most importantly, don’t limit yourself when it comes to meeting other people. You shouldn’t reject going out on Saturday night because you have a girlfriend. If either one of you is often feeling jealous (which is, in my opinion, the most vicious of sentiments) then maybe you need to readdress why you’re in the relationship right now. Distance has no chance in winning a fight against a relationship based on mutual respect and trust, but it will destroy ones that are treading on unstable ground. Don’t let drama and fighting run your life.

Remember that long-distance relationships will not necessarily only be an issue during college. In the coming years, jobs and travel also bring people apart. The decision you are confronting now is not, therefore, whether or not you are “equipped” for a long-distance relationship but instead whether you are ready for one, with her, right now.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who may be biased as she is not on good terms with her high school sweetheart.

—“Dear Nikki” will run on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.