The Annotated Network Agreement

After Harvard invented the Internet, the obvious next move was to invent a Network Agreement. Yes, the Network Agreement. If, hypothetically, this lengthy document had a little marriage proposal tucked in between clauses, then the entire school would be unwittingly engaged. Not only does no one read this pages-long manifesto, no one knows the history of the document. FM took a moment to examine some of the Agreement’s rules and their causes. Interesting to note: the word “misconduct” is used 5 times. The word “communication” is never mentioned.

“Students assume personal responsibility for the use of their accounts. Consequently, students may not disclose their passwords or otherwise make Harvard’s facilities available to unauthorized individuals (including family or friends).”

Spring 1999: Computer Science-concentrating lovebirds Jenny Boeford ’02 and “Eager” Earl Evans ’02 carve their respective Webmail passwords on a tree in Harvard Yard after a randy romp in their favorite… chatroom.

“...eavesdropping by computer and systematic monitoring of the behavior of others are likely to be considered invasions of privacy that would be cause for disciplinary action.”

1996-1999: Girls never realized that when William Jeebers ’99 made use of the pick-up line, “I’d like to monitor your movement, baby,” it was more of a statement than a proposition.

“The compilation or redistribution of information from University directories (printed or electronic) is forbidden.”

2000: Michael Ivans sells 12 Harvard Student Directories to his hometown buddies for $10 a piece, promising Natalie Portman’s digits. Portman’s number was unlisted.

“...messages must not misrepresent the identity of the sender and should not be sent as chain letters or broadcast indiscriminately to large numbers of individuals. This prohibition includes unauthorized mass electronic mailings.”

1997: William Jeebers ’99 mass-emails the entire school with a message reading, “Doobie Doobie Dooo—I’m Jeebers the Beer Penguin.”

“Computer programs written as part of one’s academic work should be regarded as literary creations and subject to the same standards of misrepresentation of copied work.”

2002:  By Senior Year, Jenny Boeford ’02 had become increasingly jealous of longtime-boyfriend “Eager” Earl Evans’s ’02 encoding prowess. Boeford plagiarized a full page of Evans’s javascript for her final Computer Science 50 project. “Eager” Earl responded with a vengeance, dumping her (hard), carving Boeford’s email password and name on a tree in the Yard, and changing his name to Earl “Dirty Fingers” Smythe.

“Physical theft, rearrangement, or damage to any University computer or network equipment, facilities, or property is strictly prohibited, and will be reported to the police.”

May 2001: Steven Tiller celebrated his recently “dominated” EC-10 final by slipping 4 shots of Gordon’s vodka into his chocolate soy milk at Annenburg.  Ripped and Roarin’, Tiller boasted that he had a) kicked “booty-tang” on the test, and b) was going to send an e-mail to everyone’s mom at the table.

Ten minutes later Tiller puked on a Macintosh in Loker after sending one e-mail to SteVEJone’sMom@yaho.com, which doesn’t exist and is totally fake.

“In situations of high user demand that may strain available computer resources, FAS Computer Services reserves the right to restrict (e.g., to specific times of day) or prohibit computer entertainment activities such as game playing.”

October 1992:  Tommy Jeebers, no relation, spent five hours in the Science Center computer lab reformatting “Oregon Trail,” in doing so providing a way to travel East. “Lobster City, Baby!” Jeebers shouted as he reached the coast of Maine.