Dartboard

Dartboard’s relationship with Red Bull is a complicated one, one that can’t be pigeonholed into a neat category (like addiction), but it’s a relationship that is increasingly becoming an inextricable part of his life.

The Harvard community, though progressive in many aspects, has not yet accepted those who, like Dartboard, have made the choice to openly embrace their love for Red Bull. Dartboard still gets stares and snickers when he goes to CVS to pick up his weekly supply of sugar-free. Concerned friends cite vague “statistics,” which “prove” that Red Bull is bad for you.

But why should Dartboard’s “relationship” with that golden, ambrosia-like elixir of caffeine, taurine, guarana and vitamin B (see—it’s good for you) come under so much scrutiny? Have eight servings of Diet Coke a day or spend half of your income on Starbucks—if you did, you certainly wouldn’t be the only one here—and no one blinks an eye. But should you choose to get half that number of hits a day from a sleek blue and silver can, prepare yourself for a deluge of be-carefuls, watch-outs, you-need-helps—enough counseling to last you a lifetime.

We’re all college students. We’re young, healthy and irrationally confident enough to abuse our bodies for the few years we have here. We’re immortal as long as old age is beyond the horizon of our future, and we know it. That’s why we drink, we smoke, we over-diet, we burn the candle at both ends, and we casually walk in front of moving vehicles. It’s a phase.

And quite frankly, if Dartboard doesn’t drink Red Bull, how else is he supposed to get enough energy to make it through the day? Dartboard could use other forms of caffeine, but if he’s gonna go, why shouldn’t he go all out? Plus, sleep is overrated, time-consuming and much more addictive than any energy drink. The fact is, Red Bull is simply too wonderful to let silly considerations of alleged “adverse effects” get between it and Dartboard.

Unfortunately, it would appear that the world isn’t quite ready for Dartboard and his kind. Dartboard thinks his next step should be to begin the fight for social tolerance, but first he’ll go ahead and grab another Red Bull.

—MICHAEL A. FELDSTEIN