THE COMMISH: What Were They Thinking?

Don’t you sometimes wonder what people in the world of sports are thinking? Strike that—don’t you sometimes wonder if they’re thinking at all?

You’d assume that after countless interviews and media coaching, sports personalities—players and observers alike—would censor their comments to something that approaches social acceptability.

But former Notre Dame standout and current broadcaster Paul Hornung reminded us again last week that a standard question for a person in sports can lead to a humorous, arrogant, graphic or even racist response.

Motivated by Hornung’s recent assessment of the Irish’s recruiting tactics, I have compiled five of the most outrageous comments from the world of sports in recent years. Enjoy.

No. 5 HEY, IT’S ALL RELATIVE

That was former head player representative and Knicks center Patrick Ewing’s argument during the National Basketball Association lockout.

When questioned by a reporter as to why the players union adamantly refused to consider a salary cap, Ewing said that a cap wouldn’t be financially feasible for the cash-strapped players.

“We might make a lot of money,” Ewing said. “But we also spend a lot of money.”

Ewing—who did not major in Economics during his time at Georgetown—was eventually kept in the dark regarding 11th hour negotiations that saved the 1999 basketball season, as union chief Billy Hunter parleyed the final settlement. Not surprisingly, a soft salary cap was part of the deal.

No. 4 FEED ME...KOBE?

It was tough to pick only one quote from Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq seems to have an endless supply of humorous and arrogant witticisms that make you scratch your head.

However, Shaq outdid even himself during the 2002 season when he voiced his displeasure with the Lakers triangle offense. O’Neal—aka “the big dog”—expressed his dissatisfaction with a metaphor that would make most poets proud.

“If the big dog don’t get fed, the house won’t get guarded,” Shaq threatened.

Judging by his fluctuating weight over the past few years, it appears O’Neal’s wish has been granted and the big dog is getting all the food he can handle.

No. 3 THE TYSON DIET

Sticking with the theme of unusual eating habits, former heavyweight champion, Mike Tyson, disclosed his predilection for—uhhh—cannibalism?

Asked what he had to say to future opponent, Lennox Lewis, Iron Mike gave us this jaw-dropper:

“Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children.”

Not only does Tyson give us a glimpse into his pre-fight diet, but he also proved that he did more than just lift weights and work out during his time in jail—he actually studied the dictionary.

Clearly, this man has been rehabilitated.

No. 2 WELL, IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE...

After releasing his book, My Prison without Bars, in which he admitted to betting on baseball, former Reds and Phillies great Pete Rose went on a massive media blitz to promote his new work and apologize for his past transgressions—well kinda. In one particular interview with U.S News and World Report, Rose attempted to justify his misdeeds.

“If I were talking to kids about gambling, I’d tell them, if you’re going to gamble, or you’re going to do drugs, or you’re going to drink too much, or you’re going to beat your wife—I’d recommend you gamble.”

Of course! Because the choice all of us have is either gambler, drug addict, drunk, or wife beater! On last check, grammar schools across the country weren’t lining up to book Charlie Hustle as a guest speaker.

No. 1 ALL WE NEED IS...

Finally, we come to the man who inspired this list, Hornung himself—a man whose quote screams so loudly of racism and ignorance that it really should stand on its own.

When asked how Notre Dame could rebuild its football program, Hornung responded, “We can’t stay as strict as we are as far as the academic structure is concerned because we’ve got to get the black athlete. We must get the black athlete if we’re going to compete.”

After realizing that his cure for the Irish’s football woes might offend some people—can’t imagine who?—Hornung recanted and said that what he meant was that the school should lower academic standards for “all athletes.”

That makes perfect sense because after all, athletes are stupid, right?

—Staff writer David H. Stearns can be reached at stearns@fas.harvard.edu.