Book Murder

Every time you write in a Harvard Library book, you get away with murder.

In Lamont, a sign reads, “It may seem like studying to you but it’s murder for Harvard’s books.” Yet, it seems that students here think they are above the law.  They eat Boca burgers and make O.J. Simpson jokes at dinner, then go slay Simon and Schuster for dessert. I sat down with Student Circulation Desk Assistant Stevie N. DeGroff ’06 to discuss Harvard’s untold genocide.

FM: First of all, Why the hate? What makes Harvard students kill books?

S:  Harvard students get carried away. They lose themselves in the moment. I don’t think it’s a hate crime.

FM: How many books are murdered per year?

S: We’re not really sure. It’s a lot.

FM: What is the most common murder weapon?

S: A pink highlighter.

FM: What is the profile of a typical murderer?

S: I wouldn’t say that it’s one type of person. We don’t profile at Lamont.

FM: Do you have any leads for recent murders?

S: No, once a book is turned in, we can’t track you down.

FM: They say that all dogs go to heaven. Is the same true of books?

S: Yes, they live on in our hearts.

FM: Is highlighting a long book, like, say, “War and Peace” worse than highlighting a short book like, oh, I dunno, “Green Eggs ‘n Ham?”

S: All books have equal rights in our eyes.

FM: Do you think that if Harvard students didn’t kill books, they would then be forced to take out their aggression on things like office supplies or people?

S: I’ve seen some kids tear apart a paper clip—so maybe.

FM: Some people die from laughter when they read a funny book. Isn’t it hypocritical to then tell them that they can’t take out their revenge?

S: That’s a moral question; everyone would have to come to their own conclusion.

FM: If a person buys a book, and then writes in it, is that murder?

S: Well, I guess you’d have to consult personal property laws. The library books fall under the public domain.

FM: Would you recommend a “book patrol” to walk around the library and deter potential murders?

S: I’d like to think that the students are Harvard police each other. Even if it’s not a totally selfless act, everyone wants the best book when they pull it off the carefully shelved shelves.

FM: Do you think the book murders have any ties to mob activity?

S: No. That’s just crazy.