DARTBOARD

T.V. Down the Tube

Dartboard often finds herself wondering when television became such a lascivious and depraved—if evermore entertaining—device. Thinking back, she can’t remember a single instance of true lewdness between Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski, though a few hot scenes might’ve made her weekday afternoons a bit more interesting. Nor does Dartboard remember Tiny Toons spouting off lines like “Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total bitch,” as was once announced by the lovable Stewie of Family Guy. Of course, over the years television networks have continued to push the envelope on sexual innuendo, skin and what constitutes “offensive.” And, frankly, Dartboard doesn’t feel she has the authority or insight to decide what the limits should be; for that matter, however, she doesn’t feel the Federal Communications Committee (FCC) and Chair Michael Powell have a good grasp either.

On Wednesday, the FCC fined CBS News $550,000 for the Super Bowl debacle last February, in which Janet Jackson got unexpectedly intimate with upwards of 90 million people at the hands of one Justin Timberlake. The two were performing during half-time and Timberlake got gropy mid-routine, ripping at Jackson’s jacket—and revealing the singer’s right breast. (Timberlake deemed the mistake a “wardrobe malfunction,” but while Dartboard agrees that Timberlake is a complete dolt, his incoherence doesn’t warrant such a fine.) Despite an inopportune camera distance that allowed for little to see, conservative critics and thousands of distressed denizens cried foul, provoking the FCC to take these recent measures. You’d have thought they were blinded.

Clearly, the fine isn’t going to break the network’s bank. The problem is, rather, that this penalty is the largest ever issued by the FCC against a television broadcaster. This seems to suggest that Powell and his minions found this display to be the most inappropriate in television history. And if that’s the case, the FCC is ridiculously out-of-touch with primetime programming—not too farfetched an idea considering Powell’s history of misguided policies (read: his crusade for media deregulation).

If the FCC is going to work towards making primetime programming more appropriate, it should do so uniformly—without singling out one network for something considerably less offensive than what most networks broadcast routinely. Pervasive sexual innuendo on sitcoms, the increasingly tasteless themes of reality television shows, and the lack of quality programming for kids is far more detrimental to the impressionable minds of tomorrow. But, given Powell’s record, Dartboard won’t hold her breath.

—MORGAN R. GRICE

They’re…Gr-r-ross

Dartboard has had her share of ups and downs with the Harvard University Dining System (HUDS), but she’s made it through two years of not especially fine cuisine by repeating her mother’s mantra, “You eat to live, you don’t live to eat.”

However, Dartboard’s recent return to college cuisine has shown that HUDS has taken her goodwill for granted—whisking away the name-brand cereals we all know and love, replacing them with their far less-satisfying counterparts.

Perhaps some would say that Dartboard’s despair is a little over-the-top, but she has heard the same cries from others. Cereal is the one beacon of hope lying between you and that pathetic food in the vat before you. It’s purpose? That you may have one moment of dietary joy to light up your ever-so-banal existence.

And for the souls who claim there is little or no difference in flavor, Dartboard weeps. Those with less discerning palates, or those who drown their “Colossal Crunch” in milk, shoveling it down their throats with no time to linger on the tongue, may not notice, but sadly, they are also the ones who never understood the magic of cereal.

You see, Dartboard is somewhat of a cereal expert because as everyone who listens to her is tired of hearing, she has spent her life in the cereal capital of the world, Battle Creek, Mich., where cereal is not just a product, but a way of life.

Aha, you say, Dartboard is biased. But though Dartboard remains loyal to the cereal industries she grew up with, the loss she grieves the most is the beautiful squares of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (produced by General Mills—based in Minneapolis) for which the imitation falls tragically short in its strangely sugared and not very cinnamon-y recipe.

Dartboard suspects that some cooler-than-thou students like to support the idea that generic is always equal and that we have all been brainwashed to believe in brand names. But Dartboard likes a good deal just as much as the next person. The truth is, a little higher cost sometimes leads to a better tasting product and there is nothing wrong with admitting this, or desiring it.

Dartboard can understand the hardship of mass-producing food for a fickle population, and in many cases would not demand further expense. But for the Harvard students who want to salvage that not-so-happy meal or wake up to the familiar pots of gold swimming in his or her Lucky Charms, a change should be made.

—MARGARET R. ROSSMAN