Confessions of a Caffeine-a-holic
As reading period approaches undergrads search desperately for new ways to get their buzz on. But FM editor Kristi L. Jobson offers a word of caution to those depending on cramming, caffeine and some luck to get through reading period as she divulges the sickening details of her gluttonous java addiction.
My name is Kristi Jobson, and I have a caffeine problem. I mean, I’ve always loved coffee but this year it has gotten truly pathetic. I don’t know whether to blame the schoolwork, the late nights or the early mornings, but my cravings have begun to take over all aspects of my life. Everyone claims they can’t function without their morning jolt, but in my case it’s actually true. As I gaze at my empty wallet and shaking hands, I think back on the day.
GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE
7:55 a.m.: Alarm clock is blaring. Snooze button.
7:56: Opening my eyes is too much effort, but my hand creeps from underneath the covers and to the miniature 4-cup coffee maker under my bed. Flick the switch and roll back over, falling asleep to the familiar sound of boiling water.
8:12: Fade back into consciousness and feel around my Yaffa block bedside table for my stained Harvard coffee mug. It’s about to be filled with straight black coffee. Now I can get out of bed and stumble to the shower with at least half-open eyes.
Cost: Minimal.
Caffeine factor: See “cost.”
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
9:33: Hand Domna my ID. I am reaching for the black coffee dispenser handle before the card-swipe machine has even finished buzzing my arrival.
9:35: Set tray on table. Honey Nut Cheerios, a mug of coffee, and two paper cups full of brown, caffeinated goodness. I should be on the front of a Wheaties box.
9:40: Why am I still half asleep? Maybe I should get a refill.
9:55: Leave Annenberg, balancing three paper cups like a pro. Isn’t it great how the plastic tops have an indent to rest the bottom ring of the next cup on?
Cost: A bit of time mixing in the Equal and cream.
Caffeine factor: I think I actually got sleepier slurp by slurp. Free trade or not, HUDS coffee just doesn’t do it for me.
CLASS
10:07: Members of my section hardly blink when I set down my three cups of coffee next to my notebook— it’s a familiar sight. I wish HUDS would invest in larger cups.
10:10: So tired. Must drink more caffeine.
10:24: Still groggy. Slip out to the vending machine and return to section with a diet Coke. Now we’re talking.
Cost: A dollar, and a dirty look from my TF.
Caffeine factor: Just enough to get my eyes open.
COFFEE BREAK
11:00: Leave section at a brisk walk. I can feel the Coke in my veins. Great day to be alive!
11:10: Annenberg doesn’t open until 11:30, so I catch up on some reading in Loker. Unfortunately my head is pounding.
11:14: The Starbucks vendor stamps my frequent buyer card and passes over that familiar cup. As the aroma wafts toward my nose, I smile as big as the Starbucks girl on my cup.
Cost: $1.80
Caffeine factor: Corporate whore? Whatever, I’m awake.
LUNCHTIME
12:00 p.m.: My friend is late, and my head is starting to hurt again.
12:15: Pour three glasses of Diet Coke.
12:30: Go back for more.
Cost: Waiting impatiently in line.
Caffeine factor: Gets rid of headaches, provides a nice wake-up—why did my Mom always say Coke was bad for me?
HITTING THE BOOKS
1:20: Claim a table outside ABP. How very Good Will Hunting.
1:25: I also have an ABP frequent buyer card.
1:31: Expos reading is infinitely more pleasant with company—namely a large tea.
Cost: $3.13
Caffeine factor: Tea takes longer to kick in than coffee, but suffices.
PREVENTION IS THE FIRST STEP
3:30: Drink a vending machine Coke to ward off the late afternoon sleepies.
Cost: $1.00
Caffeine factor: Not so bad
BUT EVEN THEN….
4:30: Feeling listless. Head down to the basement for another Coke.
Cost: Another dollar.
Caffeine factor: Back to status quo, but hardly invigorating.
BACK IN THE BERG
6:15: A salad bowl, a plate of spaghetti, and four glasses of diet Coke. They need to make these trays bigger.
Cost: Fearing the crash of my tray and the stares of my peers.
Caffeine factor: Getting the evening started off right. Just a little bit of jitters.
EAT DESSERT
7:14: A trip to Ben and Jerry’s with my roommate. Flavor choice: Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz.
Cost: $3.95 and lots of calories.
Caffeine: You can’t blame the big boys of ice cream for trying, but this hardly satisfies my need for a buzz, despite the name.
THE CALL OF THE BIG T
10:09: Why does staring at my computer screen make me so sleepy? Leave for late night Toscanini’s.
10:26: Naturally, I have a Toscanni’s card. I can feel a jolt just sniffing my Vietnamese coffee.
Cost: $1.80
Caffeine: Yeah, baby! My head is clear, my eyes are bright, I’m ready to roll!
THANK GOD FOR VENDING MACHINES
12:00 a.m.: I told myself I’d wait until midnight until I got a Coke. CAA (Caffeine Addicts Anonymous) would be proud of my self restraint.
12:03: Unscrewing the cap.
Cost: You know this one.
Caffeine: A little jolt and I’m ready for some more paper writing.
ANOTHER COKE BITES THE DUST
1:18: The droning hum of the vending machine is music to my ears, and the clunk of the bottle hitting the bottom is the climax of such a symphony.
Cost: Another dollar—Thank you, Crimson Cash.
Caffeine: My hands are shaking so hard I can’t even type. Finally.
MASSIVE MIGRAINE
2:36: Run my tongue over Coke-coated teeth. My head is killing me. I feel and look terrible.
2:45: After a date with my toothbrush I crash into bed, but not after readying my coffeemaker for the next morning.
In total, I spent $15.68 to function over this typical caffeine craving day. I’m broke, I have coffee jitters, my teeth will almost certainly need BriteSmile work before graduation—but at least I stayed awake.