The Annotated Tailgate

“Hey… Mom? Could I borrow the van for the weekend? I want to fill it with sweaty college guys who stand a pretty good chance of vomiting. I also want to stock the trunk with leaky bags of ice and 30-packs of Pabst. It’s gonna be sweet.”

2. DJ Jonathan “Crazy-J-dub” Weissberg spins phat beatz from the back of Alpha Epsilon Pi’s rented U-Haul.

What the poor guy doesn’t know is that a spilled Solo cup has long since shorted his amp feed. Only he and his headphones will ever know how brilliantly he’s voiced-over Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker.”

3. Trampled grass+last night’s rain= mud.

Nature conspires to ruin the shoes of overdressed freshmen everywhere. Mud-soaked stilettoes destroy the sleep-over plans of many an eager Yale coed.

4. Harvard male trying to woo Yale female.

Think! What haven’t you asked her yet? “What college are you in?” Did it. “What are you majoring in?” Used it. “Where’d you get that scarf?” Questionable. “How do you like Cambridge?” Makes you sound like a tour guide. Just say SOMETHING!

5. Annual sailing team tailgate.

Leeward boat gets the right of way. Sheet in! Tack and cover! Hike, you pussy!

6. Another rivalry.

Vying for “Most Expensive Tailgate” were the Spee Club, which rented a plane, flew to Madrid and then called their roommates to gloat and hear about the game, and the crew team, who were fined $1500 for damage done to their U-Haul.

7. Confused tailgater.

Not realizing that he was a) not a rodent and b) not facing a moving vehicle, an inebriated sophomore stares into stationary headlights and freezes.

8. Toy posing as a punch bowl.

This is a kiddie-pool. There are no kiddies. It is filled with alcohol. And bath-toys.

9. Elevated dance party.

Hearing the intro of Jay-Z’s latest musical endeavor, members of the Crimson Dance Team commandeer the top of the Owl’s U-Haul and break into an impromptu routine. Their gyrations are cut short, sadly, when one member rips her Seven jeans and another punctures the top of the van with the heel of her stiletto.