Guess Who's Running the Asylum?

Perusing “Ask The White House” the other day, I learned that Assistant Treasury Secretary Rob Nichols thinks Betty Rubble is a hottie. The Bush administration launched “Ask The White House” (www.whitehouse.gov/ask/) last April, with characteristic failure to anticipate the consequences of its actions. The interactive site is part Ari Fleischer and part Strong Bad: The American people submit generally incoherent and ungrammatical questions by e-mail, and then the administration official of the day attempts to answer them. Wholly unintended mirth ensues.

Poor Assistant Secretary Nichols had joined the “Ask The White House” regulars expecting a discussion of the revamped twenty dollar bills, but things quickly got out of hand. “I like the new money,” wrote “Thorton” of San Bernadino. “But my real question is, what was Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name? I need to know this for one of my classes. Also, as an aside—who do you think was hotter? Wilma or Betty?” Nichols’ reply was knowledgeable and thoughtful. “Wilma’s middle name is Slaghoople. As for Wilma or Betty? I prefer blondes.”

Another day, “Zoe” from Pearl River asked the Chief White House Usher, “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GHOST IN THE WHITE HOUSE??? IF YOU DID WHO WAS THE GHOST??? WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE??? WHAT WERE THEY DOING??? WERE YOU SCARED??? IF NOT HOW WERE YOU FEELING???”

So yes, the American people—all of us—are nuts. And Rob Nichols thinks Betty is hotter than Wilma. But then, who doesn’t? What really disturbed me about “Ask The White House” were the occasional glimmers of the Bush officials’ insanity.

Asked by radio pundit Laura Ingraham, “Do you have plans to invade France next?,” Bush’s Chief of Staff Andy Card replied “Laura—Good to read your words. Good job at the rally last weekend. Virginia wine is fine with me.” I think that was a drug reference, but I can’t be sure.

Then there was Tommy Thomson, of Health and Human Services, who admitted that he does “a lot of things that are probably a little bit that are out of the normal management type of operations,” in interacting with employees. Namely, he does, “on occasion, rip up their cigarettes,” while “at the same time telling them I love them and I want them to be healthy.” (Tommy, I love you and I want you to learn English grammar.)

Thomson isn’t the only Bush functionary with a soft streak. When Tom Ridge, the head of the Homeland Security Department, was asked, “Are you a happy fellow? Often times you look very stern in your pictures,” his feelings seemed genuinely hurt. “My family still loves me,” he retorted, “my three Labrador retrievers always seem to be happy to see me regardless of what anybody says about my picture and life is good.” (If you are feeling underloved Secretary Ridge, you might consider working for Tommy “I love you and I want you to be healthy” Thomson.)

After immersing myself in the scary and confusing inner worlds of the men and women who make up the Bush administration, their general out-of-touchness started to make sense. For instance, when Ridge was asked how he felt about being mocked by political satirists, he declared that “when political cartoonists, singing groups or comedians talk about duct tape, it is a humorous reminder for all Americans to take a look at our web site (www.ready.gov) to review our emergency preparedness recommendations and kit suggestions.” Some people might ask how on Earth he could believe the very words he utters. But not me. I know that he has to believe them, because he thinks the world doesn’t love him.

Nor was I concerned by this exchange between an “Ask The White House” participant and Mrs. Cheney, back in June:

John, from Stapleton: Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

Lynne Cheney: Be patient. We’ll find out.

Some people might simply say that Mrs. Cheney is as deluded as her husband. But I think that Lynne’s calm, zen-like denial is her way of coping with public humiliation.

Either that, or she likes to “mellow out” on that sweet, sweet Virginia wine.

—Eoghan W. Stafford is an editorial editor.