Dartboard

Dartboard was frustrated and saddened by the permanent loss of one of the dining hall’s few redeeming features for the un-caffeinated sub-population among us. Diet Sprite is the holy compromise soda for Dartboard—it offers the opportunity for guilt-free, zero calorie consumption, an opportunity to avoid caffeine while still drinking something sweet and bubbly, and most of all, a replacement beverage for those who hate the plain, non-taste of cold filtered water.

It used to be that only two dining halls were without Diet Sprite at their taps, and Dartboard would often see people turn their Nalgenes from water to Diet Sprite, smiling as they avoided dorm room dehydration. Yet, surreptitiously, the Diet Sprite taps at Houses across campus began drying up. First came the over-syruped or under-syruped days, when Diet Sprite would spurt the taps in irregular jolts. Then small square signs covered the soda label, saying, “Out of Order.” But after a week of searching out Diet Sprite even in the netherworld of Currier House, Dartboard saw no progress made towards fixing the fountains. Instead, a mysterious sign appeared on the Winthrop House soda fountain, declaring that Coca-Cola had discontinued Diet Sprite and that Harvard Dining Services would be looking for other options. Lemonade replaced Diet Sprite in Cabot House. Dartboard was shocked that the Coca Cola company could ever think of discontinuing such a valuable clear soda beverage. But Coca Cola has confirmed that it is killing Diet Sprite. Dartboard hopes Diet Sprite will be saved, but for the moment, the profound lack of the tasty, caffeine-free beverage in the dining halls remains one more reason to feel despondent eating a meal at Harvard.

—NIKKI B. USHER

Wishful Thieving

Last week a few unidentified Arizona GED hopefuls had the brightest idea. For preparation, they stole a filing cabinet containing three versions of the test. Dartboard assumes the scheme involved much planning to move the test-stuffed filing cabinet while avoiding suspicious passers-by. The scheme probably also involved many hand-trucks, crow-bars and sledge-hammers, among other heavy tools, to remove, secure and transport said failing cabinet.

Unfortunately all the hard work did not ensure the thieves a passable score.

Instead, once officials became aware of the theft, they decided to suspend testing in Arizona for up to 30 days. Now scores (Dartboard loves puns!) of GED takers from the Grand Canyon state must wait until the test is re-administered, delaying their test results and job placements. At least the delay gives the conspirators more time to study.

In lieu of crow-bars and sledge-hammers, Dartboard suggests the thieves utilize another means to achieve passing test scores. Reading something would be a good first step. They could even use the stolen tests as practice material.

—JASMINE J. MAHMOUD