Hard To Digest

The best part about living in Cambridge for the summer has just got to be all the exciting news stories that unfold right before one’s eyes on an almost daily basis. For those who do not have the pleasure of being here to witness the action firsthand, here is a brief digest of what has transpired on campus in the steamy midsummer days and nights of June and July.

Battle In Brattle—The Ongoing “PSSPLM” Sit-in:

Outraged by the fact that their overworked proctors were not being given any money as payment for their services, a radical cabal of students enrolled in Harvard’s Secondary School Program decided on the morning of July 1 to form an organization called the Progressive Secondary School Program Labor Movement (affectionately referred to as the PSSPLM by those in the know). Based on the idea that the only way to get anyone to do anything is to physically force them, the PSSPLM, several hours after its formation, promptly stormed the Summer School office at 51 Brattle St.

“Thirty years ago,” commented one PSSPLM member, “Harvard students courageously stormed University Hall to protest the Vietnam War. Well, we’re protesting the wage that the Summer School pays to its proctors. Hopefully, the Harvard University Police will come in and martyr us in time for our exams. Otherwise, we might have to leave before we accomplish anything. But if that happens, well just keep whining for another year or so, and then maybe the University will do what it was going to do anyway without our comically ignorant ranting and our puerile raving. But at least well feel like we’re ‘making a difference.’”

Petition to Divest from Canada Gets Three Signatures:

Due to its democratic government, extreme vulnerability, and also because it has been one of the United States’ strongest allies for many years, a petition has been circulating around Harvard and MIT urging the two universities to withdraw any investments in companies that do business in or with Canada. To date, it has garnered three signatures, though one additional student said he might sign it soon.

Campus and Media Delight in Embezzlement Allegations:

The Harvard campus has not been this happy in years. Two popular and attractive summer school students, Betsy Pomfrey and Johnny Appiah, have been accused of stealing posters from the Secondary School Program activities office, and the legal action against them will likely ruin their lives. “It’s so great,” said one student, “to see people that I am jealous of having their whole lives destroyed. I hope this gets a lot of attention in the campus and national media.”

Apparently, the pleasure extends beyond the student body. One local resident described his sentiments as similar to those he feels when passing by a car wreck involving nice cars. “It’s just wonderful to see people who are—or who think they are—higher up in life than me getting into trouble and having their lives wrecked. It makes me so happy.”

Former Professor of Afro-American Studies and Philosophy K. Anthony Appiah has denied any relationship to Johnny Appiah.

Controversy Over “My American Holocaust” Speech:

When an instructor decided to have the students in his public speaking class gain some real life experience by giving their speeches in Tercentenary Theater in front of a public audience, he never could have anticipated the storm of controversy that has been raging over the pre-released title of one of his student’s speeches. An etymology and lexicography double major studying at Harvard for the summer, Daniel Webster was very excited to deliver his speech entitled “Eliminating the Capital H: My American Holocaust.”

The speech, Webster reported, was to be a re-exploration of the word holocaust, which has taken on such unfortunate semantic connotations since the horrible events of 1939-1945 in Europe. While unequivocally condemning the actions of the Germans in World War II—actions that “hijacked” the meaning of his favorite word—Webster has pointed out that “holocaust” did not always have the stigma of being connected to arguably the greatest concentration of organized evil in human history. Originally, he says, holocaust was just a word, and with that in mind, Webster feels that “I, as a lexicographer and etymologist, have a duty to restore a perfectly respectable word back to its original meaning.”

Though admittedly hard to believe, some people on campus have dared to express concern at the use of the word “holocaust” in such a context. “Being of Jewish descent,” said one student speaking on condition of anonymity, “I find it somewhat offensive that he would use such a public forum to wrestle with the history of a word like holocaust since it conjures up so many painful images and even memories for so many people.”

In spite of such reactionary drivel, the powers that be have reached the conclusion, thank god, that Webster’s speech should—indeed must—be allowed, and indeed encouraged, to be delivered. To do otherwise would end free speech in America, and the world.

Summer School Tests Creative Method of Combating Grade Inflation:

By order of the administration, no one enrolled in the Summer School will get better than a C in any class. If this strategy succeeds in bringing grades down, it may be employed during the regular term as well.

The “Saddam Hussein” of Continuing Education:

Last, but certainly not least, there has been a widely publicized feud between the head honcho of the Summer School—Dean of Continuing Education and Extension Michael Shinagel—and a certain Summer School faculty member, Professor Hue Briss. Apparently, Dr. Briss had been taking his students to Red Sox games instead of holding class. Shinagel summoned him to a meeting where it was suggested that perhaps doing one’s job is the best way of doing one’s job. Briss had never been challenged by anyone, ever, about anything, and was extremely shocked and incredibly insulted that Shinagel had the unbridled temerity to imply that anything he did could be the least bit wrong.

Using his sycophantic colleague as a spokesperson, Dr. Briss released the following statement: “I have never been insulted in this particular way. Going to Red Sox games is the way I communicate to my students. Dean Shinagel is behaving like a bull in a china shop. But I suppose that in this society, once a summer school professor has the albatross around his neck, its hard for him to shake it off.”

After a drawn out soap opera in which his students begged him to stay and Shinagel apologized publicly and profusely, Briss just yesterday announced that he would be moving to another university where he would be able to act as inappropriately as he pleased all the time, or, as he put it, where he would be “appreciated and respected.” Dean Shinagel, he remarked in an interview broadcast nationally, is the “Saddam Hussein of continuing education.” Asked to explain, Briss continued, “I realize that the analogy is extremely offensive and inappropriate, but Dean Shinagel’s decision to ask me to do my job properly justifies any and all of my behavior and remarks. So really, it’s all his fault. Good riddance to him, and to the Harvard Summer School.”

Zachary S. Podolsky ’04, a Crimson editor, is a classics concentrator in Currier House. This summer, he is engaged in the highly lucrative fields of Summer School proctoring and converting Byzantine Greek manuscripts into electronic format.