Tyson's Punch-Out: The 2002 Season Revealed

Peter Gammons has done it, and so has Jayson Stark and every other so-called baseball expert. But those “experts” don’t tell you what will happen, just the end results. Here is a little insight as to how the 2002 baseball season will play out.

April 1st— Pedro Martinez gets shelled in what will be a prophetic start to the season for the Boston Red Sox. OK, I cheated, I already saw that happen two days ago, but here are some other dates that will be key to look back on.

April 2nd—Barry Bonds hits two home runs in his first game. If he keeps this pace up, he will smash 324 moon-shots before all is said and done. He won’t do it though, a mid-season injury will leave the 37-year-old Bonds stuck at 55. Sammy Sosa is the name to watch. Finally with some protection in the Cubs lineup, Slammin’ Sammy will go yard 75 times, shattering Bonds’s record.

April 25th—Just as many Yankee fans had feared, Jason Giambi goes down with a hamstring injury and is forced to DH much of the rest of the year. Nick Johnson takes over at first and goes on to wins a gold glove in his rookie season. This Yankee team is just too good—even the bench is back to 1996 form. We’ll be hearing from these Bronx Bombers come October.

May 17th—The Red Sox—who by this time are facing injuries to Pedro and John Burkett along with the frightening possibility that their number-one starter is Dustin Hermanson—attempt to teach Nomar to pitch. The experiment pays off and Garciaparra goes on to win 10 games for the Sox, making him the best-hitting pitcher in baseball.

June 15th — Trying to add new life to the team, the Texas Rangers attempt to sign Doc Gooden and Daryl Strawberry. Their parole officers refuse, so the Rangers go on to inquire about former Yankee pitcher Steve Howe, who was banned from baseball on many occasions in the early 90s for cocaine use and was once found carrying a gun onto an airplane. Howe though, decides not to come out of retirement. To his disappointment, GM John Hart also discovers that one-time Tampa Bay Devil Rays super-prospect Toe Nash will not be available for this season, as he awaits his trial for theft and the rape of a 15-year-old girl in Louisiana—too bad for the Rangers.

June 30th — Randy Johnson’s arm falls off, literally. How old is he anyway? Maybe it is God’s payback for killing birds with his fastball.

July 9th—The All-Star Game takes place in beautiful Milwaukee—not.

July 26th—The entire Cincinnati Reds rotation is traded to the Baltimore Orioles for three sticks of bubble gum and two packs of sunflower seeds. It is too bad that a powerful team like the Reds have such a horrible pitching staff. All of the offensive output of Sean Casey, Ken Griffey Jr. and Adam Dunn will be wasted. It is kinda like the Texas Rangers from last year, only worse. Did you see who started Opening Day for the Reds? Oh, the ever-impressive Joey Hamilton. Who? Yeah, that’s right.

July 27th—Speaking of trades, the Expos, who are playing some of their best baseball since the strike-shortened 1994 season make some interesting moves. Under strong pressure from the commissioner, the Expos trade Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vazquez and Jose Vidro to the Milwaukee Brewers for cash considerations and a player to be named later. MLB has to ensure they have a horrible season, how else will they justify making them the next Triple-A team?

July 28th—Just one day later, Expos GM Omar Minaya trades himself to the New York Mets and assumes his old position. Mets GM Steve Phillips comments that Minaya was the most talented person remaining in the Expos organization.

August 20th—In keeping with his injury plagued season, San Francisco Giant Jeff Kent breaks his ankle while washing his son’s bicycle—yeah right.

September 16th—The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, hoping to draw on local interest, host an exhibition game between them and the nearby Florida State League Class A Tampa Yankees. To the surprise of few, the Rays drop the contest 5-1. Immediately after the game, they attempt to resign The Rookie, Jack Morris.

November 31st—The lockout. Hot dog processors everywhere shut their vendors out. Will baseball ever recover?

When the dust has settled these lucky few will walk home with some new hardware.

AL Comeback Player: Tony Clark, Red Sox

AL Rookie: Hank Blalock, Rangers

AL Cy Young: Mike Mussina, Yankees

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez, Rangers

AL Pennant: New York Yankees vs. Seattle Mariners, The M’s are good and didn’t hurt themselves in the offseason— can they knock off the Yanks though? New York in five games.

NL Comeback Player: Scott Williamson, Reds.

NL Rookie: Josh Beckett, Marlins

NL Cy Young: Russ Ortiz, Giants

NL MVP: Sammy Sosa, Cubs

NL Pennant: St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Francisco Giants, two NL teams that made big improvements in the offseason. San Fran. in seven games.

World Series: Giants vs. Yankees, an old New York rivalry.

World Champion: You pick, I can’t tell you all the answers.