A Timely Visit With Dr. Love

Ah, love. It’s that time of year.

In the month after the disappointment or elation of Valentine’s Day—the realization that whatever this is just ain’t gonna work or that *flutter* indicating he/she is THE ONE—it’s normal to reevaluate the status of your relationship.

That’s where I come in.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Love Doctor is here to solve your problems. I’m here for your trials and tribulations, offering advice to the lovelorn and the lost. I’m your new best friend, psychiatrist and mentor all rolled in one. And, somehow, this is all related to the wonderful world of sports.

Scary, no?

Here we go…

Dear Love Doctor,

My boyfriend has become obsessed with the victory of the Canadian hockey teams in the Olympics. Though his joy is understandable because he is, in fact, Canadian, it has recently grown out of control. He parades around using a Canadian flag as a cape and his hockey jerseys have become part of his skin. While I’m all for Canadian triumph every once in a while, this is ridiculous. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Kooky for a Canadian in Kirkland

My Dear Kooky,

I think the real source of your problem is the fact that your boyfriend needs to realize that as much as Canada claims it’s a country, it’s actually an American colony. We have to forgive Canucks for their insecurities. I mean, the U.S. did win twice as many medals as Canada in the Winter Olympics this year.

Just look at Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, the pairs skaters who whined their way to gold medals instead of dealing with the fact that there are winners and losers and it doesn’t always work out the way it should. Judging is imprecise at best, so just deal with it. Two gold medals for one “sport” is a bit much.

Another thing—Canada’s always bragging about its hockey skills. So the Canadians spanked the U.S. in the Olympic championships. That proves nothing, save for the fact that they are more adept at hitting a piece of vulcanized black rubber while skating around in circles on ice. Hardly a useful skill.

But I digress. The real questions is if this guy makes you happy—and if you can forgive his tendency to run around like a little kid in a Superman costume. Those tight red underpants aren’t attractive, especially if they have a maple leaf on the bottom.

Canucks are a tricky sort. Perhaps you’re better off dealing with real men, like Norwegian Svend Karlsen, the reigning world’s strongest man.

Dear Love Doctor,

I’m a sportswriter for a campus publication and I love my job. However, I am currently facing a little bit of a moral dilemma. You see, recently I published a column about how much I enjoy Duke basketball. I received very positive responses to the column from Duke alums, current students and administrators.

Some of the responses were a little too positive, if you know what I mean. I’ve received some dinner offers (and in some cases, offers for “dessert” as well) from recent female alums in the Boston area. Should I take up these lady Blue Devils on their requests for my company, or would that be an abuse of my position as a journalist and against some sort of “ethics?”

Sincerely,

Lucky in Lowell

Dear Lucky,

Are you crazy? Don’t you think it’s a tad suspicious that these women are soliciting you based on a column? What sort of people do that?

Perhaps it’s just a bit of March Madness in the air.

The Blue Devils just landed three players—Mike Dunleavy, Carlos Boozer and Jason Williams—on the All-America and All-ACC lists. Following a huge upset by Virginia on Feb. 28, Duke rebounded over a dismal UNC team on Sunday, unleashing a 93-68 trouncing to set up another NCAA championship run.

But all of that is irrelevant in addressing your problem. I just had to get the sports bit in first.

My suspicion is that these women are less interested in getting to know you as a person than in taking advantage of the Duke connection. You claim that your column was just about your love of Blue Devils basketball. Perhaps underlying that self-professed love is a lonely man seeking a connection by reaching out to people with a shared interest for all things blue and devilish.

If that is the case, then it is morally reprehensible to use your column as a means of attracting love interests.

I recommend placing a personal ad.

So that wraps it up. Who knew that the worlds of sports and love were so intertwined? Best wishes, oh loving ones. Any further questions? Just e-mail. I’m here for you.