Hot Crimson Softball Rips UC

After weeks of trash-talking and crass braggadoccio, the Undergraduate Council (UC) yesterday proved just as ineffective and unskilled at softball as it is at student government.

In a run-away affair, The Harvard Crimson softball team (6-0, 4-0 Ivy) demolished and thoroughly humiliated the beleaguered Council team (1-5, 0-2 Popular Support) by the score of 23-2 at Cambridge Commons.

The Crimson pummeled the UC all afternoon with a relentless offensive surge, powered mainly by sportswriter Derek Kaufman and editoral executive Dave DeBartolo. Kaufman belted a three-run homerun, a two-run homerun and finished the day 3-for-3 with 7 RBI. DeBartolo was equally impressive, also going 3-for-3 with 5 RBI.

In addition to the avalanche of runs produced by the potent Crimson sluggers, the Crimeds stifled the Council bats with solid defense and stellar pitching. Starter Dave Newman (3-0, 1.29 ERA) hurled five strong innings and was relieved by Christina Lewis, who allowed no runs and scattered three hits in the non-save situation.

Defensively, the Crimson was buoyed by its elder statesmen. Sports Editors Emeriti Will "Triple" Bohlen and Mike Volonnino easily handled the right side of the infield, turning two double plays and assisting on various other put-outs. Former news executive and sports proofer extraordinaire Dave Stolzar was flawless in centerfield and online guru Shira Fischer shined behind the plate.

Then again, the Crimson didn't need to bring its 'A' game to compete with the woeful and hapless UC.

Despite recruiting several non-UC members to play alongside the much-ridiculed, wannabe politicos, the Council made the Bad News Bears look like a world-class sports team. UC captain and first-baseman Kyle Hawkins dropped a fly ball and missed several easy throws to first. Pitcher and unelected Council member Jim Griffin (0-3, 12.80 ERA) also dropped a pop fly back to the mound and gave up 20 runs before being yanked in the last inning.

Curiously, the Council team would not let student body president Paul Gusmorino bat until the final inning, and only then after loud heckling from the Crimson dugout.

The Crimson takes its undefeated record into the last week of the season, something that the squad has done for the last 128 years. This weekend, The Crimson will face WHRB and its graduating seniors next at Cambridge Commons.