Soman's In the (K)now: A Pop Culture Compendium

The bitch is back, baby.

Weird laws still on the books:

It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. (Alabama)

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (Florida)

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Louisiana)

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Ohio)

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (New York)

It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Michigan)

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. (Connecticut)

CULTURAL CATASTROPHE: BIG DIET

Everybody wants a piece of that rich, creamy Reality TV pie. And come next summer, that pie will be especially frothy in the house that becomes the national stage for ten "Big Diet" contestants. And you thought "Survivor" was sketch! For "Big Diet," two producers have put together the most reprehensible premise for a television show in the history of the world - and it begins, intriguingly enough, with ten hapless overweight contestants. The creators will gleefully stuff these fatties into their booby-trapped lair and monitor their every move until the weekly climax where the contestant who has lost the least weight is ceremoniously booted from the house. The "Big Dieter" who loses the most weight wins that weight in gold. But alas, there must be a catch. And in the "Big Diet" house, our overstuffed contestants will have to not only survive each other, but also survive a house stocked with everything but carrots and celery. In every corner, there will be pies and pastries, sausage and spam, cotton candy and candy corn, oil-dripping pizza, luscious string cheese, buttered popcorn, greasy potato chips, hot chocolate fudge, marshmallow stashes, twinkies, ho-hos, lard, etc. And to make things even more intriguing, the house also carries a complete indoor gym and a jogging track. After all, even the producers are alert to the fact that the most dramatic moments of the show will come when contestants indulge in melancholy, desperate eating binges, subsequently feel remorse and then frantically run around the jogging track until they vomit and cry. Hooray for anorexia! Cheers for bulemia! It's a morally bankrupt idea and it makes even a cynical bastard like me sort of queasy, but I'm also slightly intrigued by the possibilities of sabotage once the field is narrowed to two or three. Just think of the potential scenarios! Instead of Survivor-esque alliances, you'll have feisty individuals strategically placing Goobers and Slim Jims under each other's pillows, toothbrushes, shoes, etc. I would hate to be the crew member monitoring that house's bathroom cam.

TREND-O-RAMA: SKETCHY COMPATIBILITY

The web is replete with personality tests these days - everything from "What kind of dog are you?" on emode.com to "Are you a freak?" on outofservice.com. None of them are particularly intriguing, nor intelligent. But leave it to thespark.com to come up with the bomb-ass personality test which is all the rage with blocking groups these days. Not only does the test give you a label which seems particularly appropriate, but it will ensure that you find out the test results of all the people you list on the site. Furthermore, they'll send out a periodic update of your compatibility with those people - compatibility defined as "how likely you are to hook up with the person when one of you is drunk." Check out the test at http://test.thespark.com/person/. In my blocking group, we have a:

Performer: "You are personable, self-assured, and excellent under pressure. Congratulations. I'm sure all the peons you've stepped on never saw it coming and didn't feel a thing. You like being naked...It's also possible you're Madonna."

Healer: "You are caring, good with people, and patient.... Most pedophiles are healers."

Accountant: "You are reserved, meticulous, and dependable. While being called an accountant isn't really cool, neither are you. You aren't exactly the life of the party."

Judge: "You have an affinity for facts. But don't you think you act like a bitch a lot of the time? You jump into arguments and hold grudges like crazy. Try jumping into the sack and holding buttocks, instead. You could probably use some love."

H.W.F.M.C.O.T.I: "You are a HELPER WHO FINDS MISSING CHILDREN OVER THE INTERNET...Behind your reserved exterior lies a dedicated person who in his heart of hearts wants to help missing children. God bless you."

TEEN POP UPDATE

While the Backstreet Boys and Nsync engage in a pissing match over who can sell the most hamburgers, Britney Spears actually has the chance to elevate herself above the teen pop fray and start to mature. After all, Christina Aguilera still can't shake her Grand Slut title, the 98 Degrees boys are still souped up on steroids and can't dance, Jessica Simpson has the vocabulary of a third grader, Mandy Moore isn't legal, etc. But then Britney embarrassed everyone and their mother by a) covering the Rolling Stone's "Satisfaction" live at the Video Music Awards (it's fine as a novelty track on an album, but to perform it in front of a crowd of rock legends?) and b) stripping down and writhing on the floor, fake hair extensions and caked makeup ensuring her place in the Elizabeth Berkeley hall of fame.

Meanwhile, I'm more intrigued by the antics of 2Gether, the pseudo-boyband that has its own fake weekly documentary and actually recently put together an extensive concert tour. After releasing their second album this past week and continuing to spike MTV ratings with their new primetime series, 2Gether continues to blur the line between reality and TV so much that I'm thoroughly confused as to what exactly is going on. Do they actually sing? When they appear in public, are you supposed to call them by their band member names or their real names? What do their groupie girlfriends call them in bed? Are their mothers confused? And most importantly, who writes these fabulous lyrics? (Sample: "Breaking up is hard enough / Say you had nothing but I called your bluff / You got my sweaters, my hat, I can't find my cat / The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.")

SOMAN'S SHORTS

First Crimson Arts Comp meeting is Monday, Sept.25 at 8 p.m. in The Crimson. Arts is the bomb-diggety. Come check it out. My cutting-edge mom said ecstatically the other day, "I don't like the Backstreet Boys or 'NSync anymore. They're sooo old news. Now I like the Thong Song!"... The boo-hoo fest that is NBC Olympics coverage can only be handled a) on an empty stomach and b) when taped and fast forwarded strategically. Otherwise you have to sit through random cultural segments which have nothing to do with anything, choppy coverage, annoying commentators and more tragedy than Literature and Arts A-41...If you haven't seen Bring It On yet, you're not hip... Speaking of the uncool, I like the theory behind the new Lowell Dining Hall, but in practice, it's been a bit of a nightmare. The Disney-World sized lines don't make the General Wong's Chicken any more attractive... Speaking of attractive, I made it to the screen test for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" this past Sunday with a whole bunch of other Harvard students. They evaluate you solely on the basis of personality and looks (interesting criteria for a trivia show!) but I tried to play the race card. I was like, 'Why should you take me? Dude! There's no Indians on TV! I'm your only hope!' I'm sure my carping fell upon deaf ears. Sigh. Back to the fringe...Justin Timberlake smokes!...Heard the other day between two girls in line for registration: "Did you know JTT is here? I saw him in the Yard." "I had a big crush on him when he was in Free Willy." Hmm...In the Know is back for one more year of tasteless, shameless pop culture. The format will change during the year and I'll play around with the way it's structured, but you can expect a more focused perspective this time around. See, over the summer, I've developed a bit of a life philosophy, one that's made me a better person and never fails to provide moral guidance. In the face of even the most trivial obstacles (what should I wear?) or the strongest adversity (what should I wear tomorrow?), one question continues to light my path: "What Would Harry Potter Do?"

Questions, Comments, Solicitations? E-mail schainan@fas

Check out the new tie-in website at www.somanintheknow.com!