Slammin' Samy: Lakers Will Three-Peat (And Other Predictions)

The end of October has always been a sports fan’s dream. With the World Series concluding, the NFL in full swing and the NBA about to gear up, you really can’t ask for more—expect maybe for the Yankees to possibly lose a playoff series once every five years or so.

The upcoming basketball season promises to be one of the most exciting in recent years. This is due in no small measure to the return of his Airness, Michael Jordan, to the pro hoops scene, as well as the continuing emergence of the next generation of superstars such as Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady.

Below are 10 predictions that you can bank on for the upcoming year in the NBA:

1. Despite chronic tendonitis in his knees and teammates named Jahidi and Tyronn, Michael Jordan manages to average 25+ points, five rebounds and five assists in leading the Washington Wizards (19-63 last year) to 40 or so wins and a playoff berth in the Eastern Conference. Although he doesn’t return fully to his IMAX glory days, MJ still ends up winning his sixth MVP award, as the voters give in to feelings of nostalgia.

2. The Los Angeles Clippers become one of the more exciting teams in the league with the addition of Elton Brand to a nucleus of Darius Miles and Lamar Odom. With a fast-break offense reminiscent of Magic Johnson’s “Showtime” Lakers of the 1980s, the Clippers manage to clinch a playoff berth in the ultra-competitive Western Conference. But while the addition of Brand will fill the void at power forward, there are still seven reasons why Brand will be unable to make the Clippers an elite team in the near future—namely, Duncan, Webber, Garnett, Wallace, Nowitzki, McDyess, and Malone (all power forwards).

3. Tracy McGrady develops into a full-fledged superstar as he and Grant Hill lead the Orlando Magic to the Eastern Conference championship. Reminding some fans of the old Scottie Pippen— except with a jumpshot—and others of Admiral Ackbar, McGrady proves why he, and not Vince “Vinsanity” Carter, should have been the main man in Toronto.

4. Chris Webber becomes the role model of every little boy in America. Let’s be honest—a dude who has a $121 million dollar contract, supermodel Tyra Banks at his side, and plays basketball for a living is most definitely a stud.

5. The Seattle Supersonics implode, causing a shift in the balance of power in the West. Finally fed up with playing for a losing team that just five years ago won 64 games, and no longer able to deal with Vin Baker (i.e. the guy who cried after C-Webb taunted him last year), Gary Payton demands a trade. The Minnesota Timberwolves, hot in pursuit of The Glove since the summer, execute a long anticipated deal with the Sonics that sends Terrell Brandon and Wally Szczerbiak to Seattle in exchange for Payton. Gary Payton and Kevin Garnett form the most potent duo in the league next to Shaq and Kobe on the Lakers and give the two-time defending champs a run for their money for best regular-season record in the West.

6. The Chicago Bulls future frontline of Eddy Curry, Tyson Chandler and Eddie Robinson shows flashes of brilliance, but a once proud franchise is again relegated to cheering for the No. 1 pick in next year’s draft lottery—i.e. the right to draft point guard Jason Williams of Duke. After winning only 20 games during the course of the year, Bulls forward Charles Oakley reiterates his claim that more than half the league smokes marijuana, including Chicago mascot Benny the Bull.

7. Kobe Bryant tries to school Michael Jordan during their two regular season encounters so as to lay claim to being “The Man” in the NBA. Kobe forgets two things, though: first, MJ is 39 years of age and old enough to be his father, and second, he isn’t even the best player on his team. With Shaq there to preserve the nascent “Bling-Bling” dynasty, Kobe is not double- and triple-teamed like Jordan was back in his days with the Bulls. And so, despite attempting to “Be Like Mike” by trying to walk, talk and play like his former idol, Kobe is reminded that there will never be another Jordan, especially when MJ dunks on his fro at the buzzer to help the Wizards win their second meeting with the Lakers on April 2nd in Washington.

8. The Portland Trailblazers jump out to the best record in the NBA through 50 games, just like they have during the past two years, only to see their season disintegrate when hot-headed Rasheed Wallace slaps Scottie Pippen on the head in practice after the former Bull makes a sly joke about his teammate’s headband. A fight ensues and Damon Stoudamire is caught in the middle, Jeff-Van-Gundy-on-Alonzo-Mourning-style, and ends up breaking his shooting hand. The loss of its starting point guard and the subsequent internal animosity result in the Blazers finishing the season with the seventh best record in the West and a first round playoff exit at the hands of their arch-nemesis, the LA Lakers.

9. The New York Knicks … well, you can probably guess. They win 45-50 games in the regular season but the lack of a true superstar results in their usual second or third-round exit during the playoffs. Larry Johnson and his “L” sign are sorely missed by the Knicks, as is the remaining $28.8 million of his contract that they still owe him.

10. The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Orlando Magic in six games to complete the three-peat. Deciding that he wants to pursue a blossoming rap and movie career, Finals MVP Shaquille O’Neal retires from the NBA. Phil Jackson—realizing that he has been one lucky dude to have had either Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen or Shaq and Kobe on all of his professional teams—retires in order to preserve his streak of nine championships in 12 years of coaching. Kobe continues to watch more Jordan highlights from back in the day to be more “like Mike.”