March Madness For Dummies

(Note: This column should not be construed as encouraging illegal sports gambling, despite the fact that it is an enjoyable, easy way to make lots and lots of cash.)

So you're sitting in the dining hall one night when one of your friends asks the inevitable question: "So, how are your NCAA brackets looking?" You freeze and drop your General Wong's chicken. You're the kind of person who thinks March Madness refers to the pre-Spring Break midterm rush. How do you respond?

Ordinarily, you'd be screwed. But not this time.

To help you, I present The Handy Dandy NCAA Men's Basketball Dictionary--your guide to the crazy world that is college hoops.

NCAA: The National College of Arbitrary Admonishers. This secret society, based in Kansas City, Mo., dishes out random penalties and suspensions without adequate explanation, similar to the New York State judicial system. The NCAA "Clearinghouse" assures that young athletes don't start committing felonies until they are in the NFL.

A Pool: This is the most popular way to wager money on the NCAA tournament. Usually twenty educated basketball enthusiasts pay $5 for the right to lose it to some lucky idiot who guessed that Seton Hall would beat Temple.

Sweet Sixteen: This is one of the many cute nicknames that correspond to the decreasing number of participants in the tournament, despite its usual use in reference to a high school sophomore's birthday party. Other cute nicknames include "The Elite Eight" and "The Final Four" (see below).

Mad Ups: College basketball players run about 6'3, which of course is way too small in a sport dominated by mini-Goliaths. They make up for this by having "mad ups", which means they can jump really high. But don't expect to hear Billy Packer of CBS Sports using this slang on TV: he's busy telling his female co-workers to "go find a WNBA game".

The Final Four: The best four teams have valiantly fought their way through the tournament, earning the right to bask in the limelight of Indianapolis, Indiana. Saturday night features the two semifinals, culminating in the final battle on Monday. But there's one problem--what cute moniker can be attached to that final championship game? "The Tenacious Two"? "The Titillating Two"? "The Pre-Ordained Michigan State-Duke Final"? If you have a better idea, mail your suggestion to: The NCAA Commission on Nicknames, Fines & Suspensions, 14 Plympton St., Cambridge, MA 02138.

So now you've got a pretty good idea of different terms you're going to see during the course of the last two weeks of the tournament. But what about specifics? Do you know about the schools involved or anything about the players? Probably not. So read on:

Duke University: This southern school's team is nicknamed the "Blue Devils" because it represents the evil of all college basketball. This deceitful institution consolidates its power by recruiting most of the best high-school players with promises of "an education and a free ticket to the worst NBA team." Duke is coached by Beelzebub himself, a.k.a. Mike Krzyzewski (strangely pronounced "Shu-shef-skee"). The Duke fans--dubbed Cameron Crazies--are nothing more than deluded Satanists that religiously worship Krzyzewski.

Kenyon Martin: This Cincinnati basketball player gets the award for Unluckiest Player Ever. A consensus All-American, Martin injured himself the week before the beginning of the tournament, costing his team the No. 1 seed. Cincinnati then lost to Tulsa in the second round. That means the evil Duke has the best chance of advancing to the finals. Coincidence? I think not.

Gonzaga: This school is just weird. Out of the national picture for 49 weeks of the year, this small Jesuit college in Spokane, Wash., plays well for three weeks and messes with every expert's tournament prediction. The "Zags" rely on their three-point shooter, Matt Santangelo. Sources tell me the team also gets added inspiration upon learning that I pick them to lose in the first round every year.

Ball St.: Despite the fact that this Muncie, Ind., school has already been eliminated, it's still funny that there's a school called Ball State.

Stromile Swift: This 6'9 All-American forward from Louisiana State has two things going for him: a great wingspan and a cool name. In addition to being able to block his taller opponents' shots, Swift also boasts the best name left in the tournament. Of course, the name "Stromile" doesn't even compare to that Providence guard of several years ago, the venerable God Shammgod.

University of North Carolina: UNC is the benevolent counterpart to "Shu-shef-skee" and his evil Dukies. Coached for years by Dean "The Dean" Smith, and now by the adequate Bill Guthridge, the Tar Heels have a special gambling place in my heart: every year I predict they'll make the Final Four, and every year they lose in the early rounds to the likes of Weber State. Who? Yeah, you don't know either. This year I corrected that and predicted they'd lose to a stronger Stanford in the second round. Instead, they appear to be on their way to the Final Four. Oops.

Harvard: Unfortunately, your Crimson won't be in the NCAA tournament until 2002. Mark my words.

I hope this glossary gives you a better sense of March Madness and all its wonderful aspects and traditions. Now you can participate in those fun dinnertime discussions and say intelligent things like "Well I had Iowa State going to the Four but I realized Fizer couldn't contain the mad ups of MSU's Pederson."

In closing, remember one thing: if you happen to run into Mike Krzyzewski one day, make the sign of the cross and run like hell.