The "V" Spot: Cornell Sucks

This column comes with a disclaimer: If you are on the Cornell men's hockey team, a coach, or are directly affiliated with the program in any way--STOP READING. That means you.

Coach Shafer, put down those scissors. This isn't to appear on any Big Red bulletin board.

However, if you are part of the hordes of Cornell fans preparing to descend upon fair Cambridge tomorrow, then take notes.

Every year Cornell takes advantage of Harvard's apathy towards athletics and fills up Bright Hockey Center with the most obnoxious spectators in the ECAC--effectively transforming the place into Lynah Rink East.

I'm sick and tired of writing about the disgraceful attitude of the Harvard student body towards its sports and the pathetic attempt of the Athletic Department and the H Club to rouse interest.

Instead, this piece is directed right at the Cornell cadre and says something that should have been said long ago. In the words of The Rock, "Know your role, and shut your mouth!"

I would rather listen to Marty's Ec 10 lectures on continuous loop for 24 hours straight than listen to them.

For a school which has a reputation for creative cheers, Cornell is on the steep decline. The only one I remember from last year's game went something like "Winning team! (point to Cornell players)--Losing team! (point to Harvard players)."

This was a cheer, though sadly accurate, that my eight-year-old cousin moved past about two Little League seasons ago.

Then again, little league is exactly just what I think of when considering Cornell. Maybe I just set my standards too high when expecting real creativity from the Big Red idiots--who did the school bribe to admit it into the Ivy League anyway? Just stick to "Sieve!"

Two words: safety school.

.We also need to go over some pregame rituals, because you do some things up in the rustic backwaters of Ithaca that members of civilized society simply don't do. I know you'll be a little confused, being that Cambridge will be the first glimpse of a city you'll have seen since the summer, so I'm going to try and put this nice and simple so you can understand.

No fish. I don't care if you blew off a whole week of classes to catch one in Cayuga's Waters, just to throw it on the Bright Ice--don't do it. It's revolting.

You'll stink up the place enough because running water hasn't quite made it to Ithaca yet, don't add to the stench by bringing along Guppy.

By the way, why fish? At least when the Red Wings fans throw octopi on the ice, there's a symbolic connection between the eight legs and number of wins that used to be needed for The Cup--what the hell does the trout represent?

Oh wait, I'm sorry. There I go assuming Cornell intelligence again. I really have to stop that.

Also, someone has to remind the Big Red Band not to play "Oh Canada" before the game. I understand that Ithaca is so far north that you can't tell whether you're in the U.S. or Canada so you play both anthems just to be safe, but trust me Boston is unmistakably American. The Star Spangled Banner will suffice.

Lastly, when the Harvard starting lineup is announced over the public address system, refrain from chanting "Boring!" and pretending to read a newspaper. You're not fooling anyone. There weren't any comics in the paper.

However, you can keep the end of that tradition, which is crumpling up the paper, usually the Cornell Daily Sun, and tossing it away. That is the first good use of that publication I've seen. Just don't throw it onto the ice.

Besides, if you pay attention to the starting lineups, you might learn what a real college hockey program looks like, you know, one that has won a NCAA Championship within its undergraduates' lifetime.

Has anyone noticed that the school's teams were named after a chewing gum whose motto is "So Kiss a Little Longer?" Ordinarily, that would be a compliment, but in light of the hazing practices at Vermont. . .

In all seriousness, Cornell-Harvard is one of the most exciting regular season match-ups of the year. Harvard played perhaps one of its best games when it endured the march to Ithaca to win 2-1. It will need an even better effort to come out ahead again.

While every word of this column is true, and the extreme devotion Cornell gives its hockey team borders on the pathetic, it would be nice to have a rousing group of Crimson crazies there on Friday to counter-cheer.

Fans, even the jerks from Cornell, do make a difference and Harvard hasn't successfully defended its home ice against the Big Red since 1994.

I do have one final piece of advice for the Reds. If (when) Harvard wins and snaps that ignominious streak, the JFK Bridge is but a minute away from Bright. There are no guardrails.