In the (K)now

On a sunny afternoon, I returned to my room to find several frantic messages on my answering machine.

Message 1: "Hi honey, it's Mom. Can you please call me because I need help with my e-mail account. I think something, uh, is happening that you know... shouldn't. Take your vitamins!" Click.

Message 2: "Soman, please help me. It's your Mom again. I keep getting, you know, these pornographic messages in my Hotmail inbox and I don't know what to do. I don't look at porn, really. I don't know why they're sending them to me. They say things like, 'Important Message from Your Dentist,' so I open them and then I get all these dirty web site addresses. Please call me and tell me what to do. I'm getting very nervous." Click.

Message 3: Bloodcurdling scream. "Eeeeeee! Honey! There was an e-mail in my Hotmail Inbox from the IRS saying I was being audited! So I opened it and now there's this dancing naked girl running across my screen and she won't go away! Pleaaassee make her go away! Oh my God - what is she doing!!!! Ahhhh! Helllllpppppp..." Gurgling Sound. Click.

TREND-O-RAMA: BOLLYWOOD!

Ok, so if you're a loyal In the Know reader (blocking group, mom, Gwyneth, that's you), you remember how a while ago I bitched about the conspicuous absence of Indians in Hollywood movies. (Occasionally, an Indian was cast as a convenience store clerk, a cabbie, or a Mexican.) But Hollywood's running out of ideas (I dare you to count the cliches in Rules of Engagement, Gossip, and Where the Heart Is) so they decide to turn to the one culture they've marginalized the most. And now, all of a sudden, India's cool. Hooray! Bollywood is India's version of Hollywood - only more high-stakes and certainly more incestuous - and it's the buzzword at all the L.A. hotspots. It's gotten to be such a hot term in the industry that Bollywood "news areas" are turning up all over the web - it even has its own section next to Reuters and the Associated Press on Yahoo Entertainment News. Andrew Lloyd Webber, as I reported a few weeks back, is working on an epic Bollywood musical; agents are trying to lure Bollywood stars; producers at a couple of major studios are even talking possible releases of subtitled Hindi musicals. I could give you a quick guide to Bollywood stars and hits, but that would be useful and thus defeat the purpose of this column. Instead, I'll just give you more Mei Pin.

ME: Hello Diva Delish. I'm talking about Bollywood this week. And the readers can't live without you.

MEI PIN:

5. "Ab meri aankhen khul gayi"

(Now my eyes have opened)

4. "Dunyaki koi takat hame juda nahi kar sakti"

(No strength of the world can pull us apart now)

3. "Arri Kalmoohi, Kaha mar gayi."

(O blackened face, where have you died?)

2. "Jawani ke josh mein humse galti ho gayi"

(We have sinned in the zeal of youth)

1. "Ma, ma. Mere Pitaji kahan hai?"

(Mom, who is my father?)

LADY AND THE VAMP

I'm a Disney whore. To all of you who think the company brainwashes children, conceals a Satanic cult, represents all that is evil in our society, I can't sympathize. Disney's like Cher - it's always around, it always comes back when it's future is looking bleak. So as a concerned fan, I started wondering a while back why the last few Disney cartoons (not the Pixar movies) haven't neither been tearing up the box office nor instantly acquiring legendary status like the films of old. So here's my hypothesis. Just think of the Disney films that everyone likes the best - with some variation, you'll probably come up with Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, 101 Dalmatians, The Lion King, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, maybe The Rescuers, as your basic canon of Disney masterpieces (though I do find it strange that Disney labels every movie it releases on video, a "Disney Masterpiece" - doesn't that dilute the force of the term? Why is The Fox and the Hound a Disney Masterpiece? Whatever.) So, looking at those, you'll realize a common feature - the best Disney movies all have _female_ villains. Everyone remembers Cruela de Vil, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, Ursula the Sea Witch, Maleficent, Madame Medusa - but who remembers the fat guy in Pocohontas, the evil dude in The Aristocats, or any of the various gun-toting hunters? The truth is, the femme fatales are the nastiest, most memorable characters - kids have nightmares about them, adults actually see menace in their evil, they just _last_ longer in the public consciousness. Why? Because the animators have more room to play with perversity. The wicked woman can be defined in so many ways - you'll get lethal female consumerism (Cruela wants her furs, Madame Medusa wants her diamond), you'll get obsessions with beauty and status (the Wicked Queen in Snow White, the stepmom in Cinderella), you'll even get deviant sexuality (we all know Ursula was a drag queen...) The cliche holds true for these female villains - evil really does have many faces. The male villains, in contrast, are have the same unexplained, thuddingly banal goal - world domination. But what about Jafar and Scar, you say? Phluueeaassse. Both of them are excruciatingly effeminate, especially Scar. Their menace comes from their skeeziness. So back to my hypothesis - why are Disney films not as memorable these days? Because we haven't had a female villain since The Little Mermaid in '88. And just look at the larger picture - in forty something animated movies, Disney has only had eight female villains.

SOMAN'S SHORTS

Make sure you get your Woody Allen tickets this Friday at the Harvard Film Archive starting at 1:00 pm! The screening is next Wednesday at the Loews Harvard Square Theater at 4:30 pm... I interviewed the Road Trip cast this past weekend in New York City. They're a rambunctious bunch. We'll have those along with an interview with Ethan Hawke and a complete summer movie preview next Friday... Lusty raves are another trend-o-rama this week. Groove, the Sundance hit about a San Francisco rave, opens next week in Boston and this weekend check out the production of Troilus and Cressida in the Ex which reimagines Shakespeare's classic as a glittery, high voltage dance party. I hear there's cage dancers and - gasp! - nudity... When did Buffy get so slutty? Sarah Michelle Gellar appears again in very little clothing on Rolling Stone and the cover really looks exactly like the last one. We don't look to Rolling Stone for originality, but we'd at least appreciate an effort... I've heard from at least three people that Brill's Content is the hot new publication... If that man standing outside 7-11 touches my shoulder one more time, I'm going to go Tae Bo on his ass... Ok, I have issues with People's 50 Most Beautiful in the World Issue. Why all the random actors and actresses? This is the _world_ we're talking about, right? Why are almost all of the chosen stars American? My mom's a People junkie, so I asked her what she thought. "As long as they don't pick Nicole Kidman, I'm satisfied."... A line I've heard quite a bit this week. "So what are you doing Friday night?" "Ugh. My boyfriend wants to see Gladiator."... Last week will be the last In the Know of the year. Will it be the last In the Know ever? It depends. I'm thinking of quitting school to become a yoga instructor. Someone's gotta teach all those celebs.