Advice for Council Candidates

As if national politics weren't offering enough scandal, backstabbing and empty rhetoric, the Undergraduate Council presidential elections are once again fast approaching.

Known for the esteemed position which it holds on campus and the reverence that it inspires in students, faculty and administrative staff alike, the council is sure to draw an exceptionally qualified and morally upright group of candidates this year--just as it has done in the past.

Thus, given the tight race that is bound to ensue, we at The Crimson thought it only fair to impart to the candidates the knowledge we have gained from several years of reporting on elections. To our fellow students brave enough to run for the most disreputable, powerless and ineffectual extracurricular office at Harvard, we offer the following advice:

--If the dining hall gives you lemon powder, don't make lemonade.

--If you can't change it, don't promise to. No one expects you to be able to anyhow.

--Do not emulate your predecessors.

--If you want the student body to take the council seriously, make sure to wear a Scream mask. Or a lobster suit.

--Befriend the election commission. They will make sure they you take office even when the rules may dictate otherwise.

--Procure a campaign manager. He'll be one of three people in the audience when you square off at the presidential debate.

--Pay attention to details. Take one means take one, not take as many as you like.

--Plan a victory party. As in high school, most people vote for the candidate who will throw the best victory party.

--Remember, shellac is for porches, not for hairstyles. If the paper is reporting on your coif but not your competency, it's not good news for your campaign.

--Be a uniter, not a divider.

--Watch your council attendance record. Try not to get booted for truancy the same day that you are instated in office.

--Be nice to your blockmates. If past voting trends continue, they could constitute the majority of the electorate.

--Do not boast of the leadership skills you have gained from running the punch at your final club.

--Make sure that your platform is not easily confused with the Bible.

--Never, never mention your high school resume.