Shopping for Final Clubs

Sophomores bear a heavy burden. They must explore new houses, settle into concentrations, and, most importantly, punch final clubs. As seniors looking back at that fateful year, though we are both pleased with our club choices, we wish could have made more informed decisions. In writing this guide, therefore, we hope that we can provide for sophomores an inside scoop on the rich and varied character of each club.

The Owl: The Owl is known for its championing of endangered species, most prominently the Spotted Owl, but also the lesser known (but just as threatened) Larouse Nesting Owl. Most alums go into environmental protection, and have been responsible for such legislation as the Clean Air Act and the Luau.

The Delphic: This bastion of Greek culture has a wonderful library with both first edition works of prominent social theorists and a stunning collection of original Mapplethorpe prints. In fact, the clever allusion in the name to the Greek fount of Western society betrays (some would say obfuscates) an adherence to, as one club member argues, "an enlightenment ethos which struggles to maintain its integrity in a fractured post-modern society."

The AD: This club is reknowned for its world famous hand soap and fabulous moisturizers. When asked about their club, AD members blush and, sinfully munching on a slice of poundcake, comment, "Well, we do pride ourselves on our scented, perfumed, delicately artistic hands." The AD look tends towards the funkiest of vintage clothing, and club enthusiasm keeps the pillows always well fluffed.

The Spee: This final club is totally unforgettable.

The Phoenix: Venturing to the Phoenix is like sampling the finest cuisine of Venice, Paris, and Kyoto all at once. The cultured atmosphere and fine dining cannot be matched by any other venue, as every Phoenix member is in training to become a gourmet chef. Though each member has a regional specialty, ideas flow as easily as the Pinot Grigio and fusion is the norm. It is not atypical to hear, "I'm trying a cilantro boeuf glazed with a light sherry and Napa Asparagus. Can you make sure that flank we selected is kosher?" The Phoenix does not accept reservations for groups under six.

The Porcellian: Not to embarrass this little modest club by bragging on their behalf, but the Porcellian has won the award ten years running of "most democratic use of an endowment that exceeds $100 million." Members of this club can look forward to secret lunchesand secret community service. Other activities involve allowing a homeless woman to beg outside their entrance because of a lack of a viable legal recourse.

It is difficult to determine which club is best. Almost all of them have members who love each other, address each others' fears about body image, provide good academic advising, and support exploring sexuality and gender boundaries. Our advice is, punch them all, and determine which one fits you best. And remember, during punch season members may all seem like arrogant lugs, but underneath all they want is to give and receive hugs.

Nicholas J. Pinto '00 is a religion concentrator in Mather House. Matthew N. Stoller '00 is a history concentrator in Mather House.