The Power of a Couch Potato

This week, my parents and sister are living my dream. This week, we (minus me) are a Nielsen family.

Whatever they watch on television, they record in a little diary and send it off to the Nielsen people. The Nielsen people take my family's input, along with the input of other representative families around the country, and use it to help them compute the Nielsen TV ratings for the week.

The network and cable executives take the results and use them to decide which shows get the axe and which ones continue to run.

I'm not sure exactly how they picked my family, but I guess we are pretty typical. Two parents, two kids and two cats living in the Midwest--just your typical All-American family ready to crank out some demographically-enhanced statistics!

Boy do I wish I were home right now. For someone whose favorite Shel Silverstein poem is "Jimmy Jet and His T.V. Set," this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. In my hand would be the remote control with the power to influence American television with the press of a button.

Surfing through the channels, do I stop on "Suddenly Susan"? Or "Cosby"? I'm a white male in the 18-34 demographic group. How much am I worth to you, Brooke? Bill? Tell me how much you love me. Give me one good reason why I should invest 5,000 households in either of you. I didn't think so. Click.

What's this? The Home Shopping Network? Naw. I couldn't. But maybe I will later... Click. Another tae-bo infomercial? Your 15 minutes are up, Billy Blanks. Click.

The NHL playoffs? Click. Public access? Click. "The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross"? Alright!

If the remote were in my command, I would be promoting my favorite channels and shows. My home television viewing diet this week would include ample helpings of Comedy Central, "SportsCenter," "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn" and the Weather Channel. (Yes, the Weather Channel. Whenever there is a storm a-brewin', the good people at the Weather Channel are there in the eye of it, making for fascinating "man vs. nature" television.)

I could leave the TV on all night and day, even when I wasn't in the room. That'd be sure to skew the ratings.

Random Television Executive: "WOW! Our ratings for 'The Best of Hee-Haw' just doubled overnight! Let's add two hours during primetime!"

Do you have a favorite show? Is it on the verge of being canceled? Let me know and maybe we can work out a little deal, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

So this is what it must be like to play God. (Not the part about side deals, of course, although I'm sure God could make a bundle of cash if he wanted to.) It's cool to think that the balance of the television universe is commanded by a few people with remote controls and a Nielsen diary. Especially if you are one of those people. Jonathan Edwards would certainly like this: "Television Stars in the Hands of an Angry Will Bohlen."

You know, I think that might make for a good television show. It would get at least 5,000 viewers.